We thought this would never happen again, but we were wrong. Somehow Shyamalan was able to free himself from his underwater jail, and he will again make a movie. Drat! We really thought we’d stopped him this time. We lined his cell with critically acclaimed movie reels and hoped it would work like Kryptonite. No such luck. Oh, well, it will be awful!
Take a look at what’s coming soon.
Zoe Kravitz, daughter of sexy rockstar, Lenny Kravitz, and forever Cosby Kid, Lisa Bonet, is in talks to play daughter to former rapping alien hunter, Will Smith, in a film disaster directed by movie-murdering, unhinged goat-person, M. Night Shyamalan. Who’s still letting this guy make movies? This is like letting a turd do your taxes. Or a screeching jabberwocky sell you dry goods at the Costco. Crazy, crazy things. This film-sized visual vomit will be released in June of 2013, to be called One Thousand AE or Crap M. Night Shyamalan Thought About While Making Eggs One Night. Oh, and Smith spawn, Jaden Smith will also co-star as the Fresh Prince’s enchanted frog named Mr. Pickles. No, that’s not true. He’ll be Smith’s son in this thing just like you thought. The movie is set 1,000 years into the future, and centers on a young boy (Mr.Pickles) who navigates an abandoned and sometimes scary Earth to save himself and his estranged father after their ship crashes. So I Am the Legend of Enemy Mine without the political concepts, and whatever those elastic zombie things were. [THR]
Large-lipped lady swan, Angelina Jolie, will continue this acting thing she’s been doing in between reminiscing about her knife days and defending the clothing choice of her one pirate themed child, Shiloh Matey Arbuckle. She’ll team up with director, Luc Besson, The Professional, La Femme Nikita and The Fifth Element, to make an untitled thriller with scientific elements. So maybe a movie depicting the study of geodes and ornithology, called Crystal Hawk, about a scientist played by Jolie who falls in love with a shapeshifting hawk/vampire with a sparkling chest and a sharp beak played in a dual role by Bradley Cooper and Rutger Hauer. [Deadline]
Kiefer Sutherland, the acting probiotic, has finally gotten his wish. Someone is making his terrorist, punch guy television series into a full-length movie. So Jack Bauer to continue thumping shady characters from swarthy countries in the face! Exciting! Let’s take mixed martial arts so we can do roundhouse kicks in the movie aisles! Anyway, Mark Bombeck, writer of the upcoming The Wolverine, because that other Wolverine movie sucked duck balls, is tweaking the script as we speak. Don’t forget the gritty, growling, pouncing, screaming thing we need all our protagonists to have from the Wolverine universe, okay, Bombeck? Got that, Bombeck? And no, Tony Scott is no longer attached to direct, because we’re sure he found something better to do with his time than fart around with Kiefer Sutherland and his rage movie. What? No Tony Scott? Well, “24” The Movie is certainly a stupid idea now, right? Just like The X Files: I Want to Believe. Whatever “24” purists, calm down. It probably won’t be that bad. [Deadline]
Just what the Christmas Angina is this? Carson Kressley and Carrie Fisher have been tapped to star in the Hallmark Channel’s Caroling, a modern-day take on Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Oh, sheesh. Really? How many stories can there be about some Scroogy person who hates Christmas who finds out that Christmas is really the bestest, most magical, most orgasmically thrilling holiday of all holidays on the holiday lists. Arbor day? Bah! Secretary’s day! Lame. Christmas is where it’s at, and to prove it, let’s drag out Carson Kressley who’s acting now, I guess, and Carrie Fisher’s gold bikini decorated sensible shoes and make them all get Christmas-a-fied! The Hallmark Chanel is basically the channel of Christmas sweaters covered in cat hair and smelling of arthritis ointment. Behold their current list of gripping, sensational, holiday-themed movies, Mistletoe Over Manhattan, Love’s Christmas Journey and Cancel Christmas. Barf Humbug. [THR]
Speaking of terrorists, Alec Baldwin just happens to be one. A word terrorist that is. At some point today it was confirmed that the star of Beetlejuice was removed from the plane because his inflated ego, mixed with a juvenile bout of ADHD or some such, wouldn’t let him stop playing super secret, special elite word game, Words With Friends which also boasts Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt as addicts. Harrumph. So obviously it’s somewhat of a privilege to play this game. Too bad they don’t have First Class Mobile Device seating on those stupid flying junk heaps in the sky, Alec. You risked the lives of everyone JUST EVERYONE with your flippity-flap finger games. In an act of defiant multitasking, Alec tweeted about the incident, “Flight attendant on American reamed me out 4 playing WORDS W FRIENDS while we sat at the gate, not moving.” He also petulantly added the hashtags “nowonderamericaairisbankrupt” and “#theresalwaysunited.” We bet he also didn’t get complimentary peanuts and Captain wings for being such a good flyer. [Vulture]
