Sandra Lee Makes the Most Disgusting Things for Christmas!

Thanks to fabulous Crasstalk Commenter, Gooch, I happened upon a YouTube well of insane and fell right in. Oh, yes, the things discovered here are of magnanimous, indescribable hilarity, mixed with a boozy, crazy disgusting filled topping. I give to you the Christmas-themed treats cooked up by Sandra Lee of the Food Network show, Semi-Homemade, which is some sort of cuisine purgatory where truly abhorrent canned goods and smallish amounts of homemade ingredients collide in a crap sack of inedible mania served with a smile and a straight face.

First on the list is Sandy’s:

Kwanzaa Cake

What is this: This is an angel food cake abomination with its internal cavity filled with canned fruit, slathered with powdered Nestle Quick chocolate frosting, lined with Cornnuts, and stabbed with huge-ass candles to represent Kwanzaa. Yawr, she pretty much insults a whole section of our population by literally making something you wouldn’t find in even the laziest of Home-Economics classes. This is the “throw whatever you have in your refrigerator into the center of a crappy cake” solution to dessert. This makes us want to die.

Disgusting Score:
10 out of 10

Hanukkah Cake

What is this: Just like its cousin the Kwanzaa cake, this is another angel food cake thing, but this one uses blue dye in the icing, marshmallows in the asstopian center, and a string of pearls around its hulking sides, plus an additional plastic pearl Star of David to fancy up this blue turd of a cake. Again, an entire population of people is insulted, and this is basically what six year-olds would make while following a recipe on the back of a cereal box. This is too awful for words.

Disgusting Score: 9 out of 10

Yule Log

What is this: A store bought chocolate cake roll, drowned in Cool Whip, and topped with chocolate marshmallow herpes? Yes, yes, I think this is what this is. There is just so much Cool Whip on this thing. It is literally five tons of Cool Whip and somewhere in the center maybe you’ll find cake, or a bong, or a lead pipe, or Wayne Newton! Who knows! Aunt Sandy made it so it’s got to be good and yummy, and bound for an ooey, gooey, doctor’s visit! Diabetes, probably.

Disgusting Score: 8 out of 10

Marmalade Meatballs

What is this: HA! She goes right from Nutcrackers right into balls! I don’t know about you, but when I eat meatballs I always want them covered in jam, cooked until they’re the color of cow pucks, and then rolled out into a festive bowl. Clearly this is what we’re all missing from life, you know, sweet balls of meat. Sandy has found a way to fill this inevitable void. We so love her. Wait, but you can’t stop there, you have to keep watching to get a glimpse of the other thing, aside from making wet balls, Sandy here loves a lot, and that would be drinking. This lady gets down with the booze, so much so, she’s decorated her Christmas Tree with booze receptacles. Take a look.

Disgusting Score: 7 out of 10

Holiday Cocktails

What is this: Didn’t we tell you she gets down with the drinky, drinky? Well, in addition to being a disciple of Chef Boyardee, she’s apparently a mixologist and her libation of choice would be the vodka. Oh, yeah, of course it’s the vodka. Is it possible she takes a little nip or two while she’s cooking? Um, yeah! I think it’s entirely possible. Have you seen what she makes? She routinely takes a soap sponge and slathers it with whipped cream and tells you it’s cake! Also, I have no idea what that is in the intro picture for this post, I’m thinking it’s probably strawberry covered ox tails. Just got to be, right?

Disgusting Score: 1 out of 10

Weird Wreath Thing

What is this: Oh, ho! This actually doesn’t start out so bad. Truthfully how can things go so wrong when you start with biscuits? You would think biscuits would be the great equalizer in the world, right? Nothing can stain a biscuit! Well, adding green food coloring can certainly challenge that assumption. Good grief, what? Yes. Watch mesmerized as Sandy transforms innocent biscuits into a Swamp Thing! There are marshmallows, green stuff, and just ew, gross, why?

Disgusting Score: 9 out of 10

Noel Cake

What is this: While we’re talking about green monstrosities let’s just add this to the list. This is a nineteen thousand foot entirely store bought cake that she’s crafted together like some large green port-a-potty in the sky, WITH CARDBOARD IN BETWEEN EACH LAYER, affixed with licorice or twine, dollops of yellow icing or hard-boiled egg yolks, and topped with pagan candles and a chocolate dipped, green inverted ice cream cone that’s screaming for you to save it. This is the cake of your nightmares. Please never try this at home.

Disgusting Score: No number can do this justice.

So, that’s probably the worst thing you’ll see all day with regard to Christmas, and perhaps when you’re sitting across from a cousin you can’t stand, or you’re just ready to quit on the day and it’s barely 2 pm, you’ll remember that things can always be worse, and what you probably need is to get drunk, so HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYBODY! Do like Sandy says and create your own:

Lush Lagoon

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