The Republican Presidential Campaign Clown Car makes a stop in Iowa tonight so the candidates can fling poo at loathsome frontrunner Newt Gingrich debate. This will, sadly, be a Herman Cain-less affair, since Cain dropped out of the race last week to get divorced spend more time with his family or whatever. On the plus side, though, they all get to bask in the glory of newly-minted frontrunner, disgraced former House Speaker and reptilian man-slug Newton Leroy Gingrich. How exciting that will be! Watch Rick Perry pester Gingrich with non-sensical drivel! See thousand-year-old mummy Ron Paul curse Gingrich with eldritch spells and rants about the Federal Reserve! Behold Rick Santorum do nothing at all! Oh, and Mitt Romney will be there as well.
The clown show airs at 9:00 PM (Eastern time) on ABC, so you don’t even need an exotic cable package to see it.
8:55- Whew! I made it after all, y’all. I’ve had a starchy dinner, a Great Lakes Christmas Ale, and am on my second cocktail of the evening. I like to call it my Republican base. It’s not good for me, I’ll feel like shit in the morning, but I’m loyal to it despite all that. A special thanks to Cletar for the extra special-intro. That’s setting the bar high, good sir.
8:58- T-minus 2 minutes to game time. When we last saw our intrepid contestants on “GOP Race to the Bottom Showdown”, Herman Cain was still a thing, and we had as many candidates as Rick Perry thinks there are SCOTUS judges. What can happen tonight?
9:00- I hear the same production team that did the Heisman intro did this evenings intro teaser. Of course, it’s America, so more people watched the Heisman than will watch this mess.
9:02- Hey, look! It’s Diane Sawyer, and previously serious person George Stephanopolous (sp?). To convey the gravity of being on national broadcast TV, there’s no WWE style-intros, except for the dopey smile painted on Rick Perry’s face.
9:03- We’ll forgo opening remarks in the interest of the fact that none of these folks can speak coherently for 120 seconds.
9:04- Newt steps in it early ‘As speaker of the House, I worked with President Clinton’. BOOOOOOO!
9:05- Does anyone actually believe that 0% capital gains and abolishing the estate tax will reverse the disparity of wealth accumulation in this country? Outside of the Walton family, I mean.
9:07- Raise your hand if you think Mittens is going to bother ‘cracking down’ on China. Put your hand down, if you think ‘crack down’ means, ‘Send every job there, now!’
9:09- Rick Perry’s first idea ‘Get rid of the regulatory burden that’s killing people, and leave that work for the corporations right here in America!’
9:11- Michelle Bachman wants every one to win. She is that shitty parent in your kid’s school’s PTA. That’s why the budget for blue ribbons is triple what it was in 1984.
9:13- Senor Frothypants wants you to know that manufacturing needs to make a comeback. He wants to ‘repeal regulations’ especially in the energy sector. You know, those pesky things like rules that keep our air from looking like the skies in Beijing…
9:14- Diane Sawyer is already tired of Santorum. She is 6 months behind the rest of America.
9:15- So, we’re against tax cuts when they go to the middle class and affect Social Security, which we want to kill off and privatize, then gut? Thanks Michelle, good clarification.
9:15- Also important to note-the door to the Treasury is not open for Social Security, unfortunately, it only swings the other way, like Marcus.
9:17- You know what actually makes America a less attractive place to invest, Mittens? Our terrible insistence on first world wages and clean air. Care to expound upon that?
9:19- Ron Paul would like you to drink his ‘Isolationist Punch’ as a method to cutting the budget. Very important person Lockheed Martin will not be pleased to hear that, Gramps.
9:20- Fuck this. I’m referring to Romney as Willard from here on out. Because that’s his given, Mormon fucking name. What’s rich is listening to this human talking-point regurgitation machine talking about ‘what he believes’. The answer-whatever flies through the polls.
9:21- I know the GOP hates Romney, and shit, so do I, but only he and Gingrich have had the balls to actually lay out plans, points, and ideas. They’re all shit, but still.
9:22- Aw, Willard, did that hurt? Was that unfair? Now you know how Newt’s first two wives felt.
9:23- Poor kids should be allowed to work while they are in school-it’s not like they need time to study. Think of it as training to be Newt’s new housekeeper.
9:25- When Willard claims that his plan will create 11.5 jobs, how does he know this? Does he have a new SimUSA I haven’t heard of? GIVE IT UP, YOU MORMON PRICK!
9:27- Ho ho! Newt was in the private sector! That’s funny. Dig his moat, you fucking poors!
9:28- Michelle Bachmann needs to shut the fuck up. If she ever lost her Congressional district, she’d flap her who-ha up and down K-Street looking for that sweet sweet lobbying money.
9:30- That Muppet who also hosts Good Morning America needs to throw to commercial soon. I need a new drink.
9:31- Is Newt ever not a prick to people? He’s talking down to one of my least favorite people in America, and I’m still craving a kick to his Stay-Puft paunch.
9:33- Really Willard? You’re aping Lloyd Benson now?
9:34- Rick Perry is stunned. Mostly by his own presence on that stage. Someone get that man a scotch, stat. He’s very folksy, when he’s conscious.
9:35- Serious point for a moment. Willard’s whole point that the MA plan was done at the state level, and not the Federal level, is interesting. I get the fight about state’s rights on some levels. On many other levels, namely, anything that effects our ability to compete globally, if we can’t stop throwing spitballs across state lines, we sure as shit can’t expect to ever stop China from butt-fucking us.
9:37- Does this thing not have sponsors? Rick Perry’s donors alone should be able to get us a break by now.
9:38- My name is Willard Romney, and I’d like to prove how out of touch I am by trying to bet $10K on stage over a mundane fact while 1/3rd of our country’s children are starving.
9:40- Monseur Frothypants is so fucking stupid that he just aligned himself with Ohio Governor John Kasich.
9:41- Did Michelle just say ‘pre-lobby’? K-Street is listening, and interested in this new opportunity.
9:42- Drink time! I’ll take mine like Perry’s campaign-on the rocks. Hey-o!
9:48- Ah, it’s ‘God-time’, and Ricky Sixguns kicks it off with some folksy half-truisms.
9:50- Rick Santorum, I’ve just emptied my bottle of Captain. How do you plan on ensuring that there is more pirate-represented-rum delicacy available to me, as a US American?
9:51- Only in America is consistent zealotry something for people to be proud of. Well, here and Iran.
9:52- No Willard, it’s not that you don’t have a core, it’s that you don’t have a soul. I mean, really, golden plates? C’MON!
9:55- Invoke the Federalist papers and then immediately divert to how important faith is? I mean, fuck Thomas Jefferson, right?
9:56- Newt is delighted at how people have looked at who he is, and how mistresses will look down his pants.
9:57- Time for the ‘Brown People/Black Ops’ segment of the debate.
9:59- It’s condescendingly dickish time! ‘Make deportation easier’. Also known as ‘Giant stunt-cannons pointed south’.
10:00- Immigration bores me. Where are the Breitards? You’d think they’d put away the cookie, zip up their pants, and come over here with their Hoveround side-packs full of disinformation.
10:02- Ricky, if this country ‘enforced the laws already on the books’, GWB would be in jail, half of Wall St. would be in the stocks, and those hated bums on OWS wouldn’t exist. Okay, they still would, but they’d be less public.
10:05- Oh boy. Ole Jowlsy Sugardick is really stepping in it now. Whether you agree with him or not, nothing is ever gained by insulting an entire race of people.
10:07- That last shot was insane. Willard’s looking at Romney like ‘I really have to tack as far right as this asshole to have a chance? Fuck this’.
10:09- George Stephonopolous is fucking bored by this. BTW- People are still proud to be Reagan-ites? Even my father is starting to hedge on this, and he’s sometimes clueless.
10:11- Like most Americans, I’m bored with Israel. Can we get on to social issues? I want to hear them talk about gieghs using words like ‘invented people’.
10:13- Of course Rick Perry thinks Obama’s foreign policy is convoluted. In his state, Mexican=electric chair test subject.
10:14- A coherent question from the Yahoo! News commenters? Well, my world just imploded.
10:20- I can’t fucking wait to hear any of these people talk about cutting a ‘necessity’ Hint-your 3rd housekeeper isn’t a ‘necessity’.
10:21- Admit it, you were stunned to hear Perry say ‘lexicon’.
10:22- Seriously, Diane, it’s over an hour in. Give up on the fucking rules. They don’t apply to the GOP.
10:23- ‘I was able to serve my church overseas’. It was a mission. SAY MISSION, WILLARD! SAY IT!
10:24- In honor of Willard’s ‘service to his church’:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BO46-7jymA
10:26- Seriously, are any of these idiots going to answer this question?
10:26- Michelle wants you to know that she opposed the bailouts for the banks. Also, she will show up on the next ep of “Extreme Couponing” 2-for-1 botox deals? Try 8-for-4!
10:28- Newt is talking about family members and ‘one of’ his small businesses. What Newt won’t mention is that he actually had to cut back to only TWO mistresses. The suffering!
10:31- Careful, Newt-if you start talking about third-party payers, you might let someone know that insurance companies are bad. Your owners won’t dig that.
10:33- I’m confused- why are we a country again? What’s the point, if the states should all make their own decisions?
10:40- So, there’s going to be a lightning round, right? I mean, one of these liars deserve and electric jolt, right?
10:41- Aw, how cute, they have to say something borderline nice about each other. Newt’s ‘What I learned?’ I learned Willard Romney is a dirty, lying Mormon.
10:42- Poor Herr Frothypants. He goofed, and said that PA had 1M more Republicans than Democrats. That means he should be able to win without trying. Very impressive, dickhole.
10:44- The Shining City on the Hill thing, Willard? China pushed us down that hill, economically, a long time ago, fella.
10:45- Jesus Newt, between your statement this week that you’ll win the nomination and all that knob-slobbing, it sounds like you’ve got a cabinet. Who’s ready for Gay-hating Muslim-fearer, Secretary of State?
10:47- Michelle Bachman knows she’s not a serious candidate, right? Someone told her, I hope.
10:51- Oh look, ABC News has a gal that looks kind of like Rachel Maddow. But, they won’t let her talk, because she’s a woman.
Wow. Just wow. Apparently tonight was an example of addition-by-subtraction. No Herman Cain, no Huntsman, and a lot more face time for the ‘serious candidates’. It’s becoming more and more clear that our corporate overlords have decided that Newt and Willard are the options that we have to choose from on this side of the aisle. Much will be made of the $10K bet remark, and it’ll look bad for Willard, but it’s questionable how much it really matters here in Iowa. A heavily Evangelical state, a Mormon like Willard is fighting uphill from the gate. Really, only Romney and Gingrich offered anything resembling concrete plans, regardless of their possible efficacy. In the end, we’re stuck with two middle aged, rich, white dudes who hate that Americans might be figuring out the schtick, and have the challenge of winning the White House and keeping it up until 50% of us are in the streets.
