Let’s talk about that new man/woman/boss/co-worker/friend of your dreams. You’ve never felt such a kinship to someone so quickly. They’re charming, engaging, interesting and dramatic, as well as quick to listen, and eager to hear about the lives of others. And boy they’ve had some hard breaks lately — but they can’t understand why since they’ve done all the things they’re supposed to do.
Feel sorry for them yet? Don’t.
You may be dealing with a psychopath, or a sociopath, the latter a nicer, more polite term for the former.
They walk among us. Estimates range from 1 – 2 % of the population. You will meet one, just hope that you’re fortunate enough never to realize it. You may end up working for one, related to one or worse — married to one. It can take months, years, or even decades to realize it if they’re convincing enough. Their targets are generous, kind, loving, gentle and often vulnerable people just like you and me.
You know how people say, “The wife/husband had to know something was going on?” Think again.
Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. What should you look for? Bear in mind a very small percentage fits the profile. Common or garden variety assholes are everywhere — psychopaths, not so much. 1 out of 100 fit the bill.
Are you dealing with a Psychopath?
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning: They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviours as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self: Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”
Pathological Lying: Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt: A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions: When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation: Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy: Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioural Controls/Impulsive Nature: Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Early Behaviour Problems/Juvenile Delinquency: Usually has a history of behavioural and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviours such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability: Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity: Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle: Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility: Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
There is a such thing as a corporate psychopath. I worked for one. He got caught accessing clients’ private financial records, had anyone fired who he felt was a threat, and charged over 20k in expenses in a few months, mostly on booze. Looking back, there were two things that made my hackles rise. He had pictures of his children facing his guests, not him. He was also very indiscreet when speaking about people who reported to him — trash talking, and was very eager to hear anything that could reflect poorly on a person. He’d try to pump me for information by saying things like, “Bob drinks a lot does he? Do you think he’s a alcoholic?” The lifeless eyes were also a big warning sign. It can be hard to explain, but when you encounter it, there’s an instinctive reaction.
The ‘pity party’ is also almost universal for psychopaths. Example: Their mother didn’t just die, or pass away, “she died in my arms”, then they look at you with sad puppy dog eyes waiting for your comments of sympathy. The reality is she died alone in a hospital, the psychopath had been called, but stayed at the party doing coke instead.
The man left a trail of broken lives, careers and dreams behind him. Shattering. He moved and is doing the same thing in another town. Warning people is useless. In fact, victims are urged not to, as they will turn their focus back to you and redouble their efforts to destroy you. You’ll go from being a plaything to a threat, and they don’t play by any rules.
I believe that Ruth Madoff didn’t know anything. It fits perfectly.
I find the law, courts and sociopaths section to be especially fascinating.
Caveat – the comments in those stories are written by badly wounded people who are trying to heal.
