Great Raptor Jesus, there is still one more debate tonight before the fucking Iowa Caucus. The debate will take place in lovely Sioux City, Iowa. The sponsors are the Iowa Republican Party (a fine group, I am sure) and the shrill and always pointless Fox News. Try to to cry America.
Tonight’s big sparks are probably going to fly between Mitt (The Twit) Romney and his freakish, terror-inducing opponent Newt Gingrich. However, as Cleter has pointed out, there is an ancient and blood-thirsty spirit poised to play the spoiler in Iowa. Ron Paul is rising from the crypt to bring some libertarian vengance on those fancy, blow-dried college boys. With Paul coming in neck and fat-neck with Gingrich, Dr. Paul may have the confidence to raise a little hell.
On the Jr. Varsity side we still have crazy-eyes Bachman, who is popular with the kind of drooling fundies that like to flood the Iowa Caucus. Rick Santorum will be there, though at this point he is as confused as anybody as to why he is still showing up. We will also have the fun of watching Rick Perry (who should never be entrusted with the lives of others), dangling in the tangled wires of his own, tiny brain. Jon Huntsman is taking a pass on the Caucus, just like America is taking a pass on him. However, he is for some reason showing up at the debate anyway, maybe the three sane people left in the Republican Party are paying him to just stand there and look normal.
Tonght’s Drinking Words
- $10,000
- The Fed
- Obamacare (Bachman only)
- Endless Wars
- History
- Defending Marriage (2x if you are a geigh)
All right let’s get this started. Someone grab me a beer; I’m gonna need it.
What is this shit on O’Reilly? How does this guy even warrant a paycheck.
What, no exciting intro films? Cheap assholes.
For God’s sake, can’t Fox hire one decent hairdresser for these people?
Newt wants 7 debates? Please son, the president actually has a job.
Wow grandpa, bold statement for a guy with a 8% national voter share. Note: Statistic is totally made up.
Oh Rick, you make people want to set themselves of fire. That is an important detail.
Mitt has credibility because he has screwed up a bunch of things.
Crazy eyes has the weirdest cadence. I keep waiting for a curtain to fall exposing a little, mad scientist working her controls. Wait, I guess it can’t be a real scientist because she doesn’t believe in science.
Rick looks like a slow deer in the headlights tonight. BOOM. Tebow reference. EVERYONE DRINKS!
John Huntsman drops the Trump Bomb. We are getting screwed! The gloves are off gang. Grab the popcorn, Huntsman is going for it tonight.
Mittens: Democrats love America? Fucking communist!
Newt knows that Americans don’t know who Sol Allinsky is, he just says that name because it sounds Jewish.
Jesus, Ron Paul just made a totally logical answer. Mark the time my friends, this is a historical moment.
Bachman looks like the villain in a bad 80s cyber apocalypse movie.
Can someone ask Fox to turn off that stupid notification noise? Christ, they actually found something more annoying than Glenn Beck talking about Soros.
Mitt, you are so full of shit. You never failed because you were born in the finals. What a bunch of shit.
Uh-oh. Paul is getting all fucking Ayn Rand on us. THE FED, DRINK.
Newt is appealing to me as a mixed-economy type. Of course, he will still throw me in jail if given the chance. #OWS
Go Crazy Eyes. You only have one good attack tonight; do it right.
Newt seems to have a lot of explaining to do. Of course, this isn’t the first time.
Let’s just take Newt at his word. That hasn’t blown up in anyone’s face before.
Cavuto is really one of the least talented men in American broadcasting.
Mitt is the guy you almost sleep with when you are drunk at the party, but at the last minute your true friends make you get in a cab.
Ron Paul: Society just takes, and takes, and takes. Dammit America, can’t you be less needy?
Jesus, we are only 40 minutes in? I should have picked up more beer.
Oh for fuck’s sake Perry, who do expect to run the government? Garden Gnomes?
Softball question on China to Huntsman. Even Fox feels sorry for him.
Note to Americans: Manufacturing is not “coming back.” Sorry.
Christ, Kelly takes over. Can I have a penis now?
Newt is going to destroy the balance of power just for the lulz. I know we suck, but does America really deserve this?
Bullshit History 201 references. Everybody drink!
Please Michele, take this man down.
Nope, she misses her chance to crush his constitutional balls. What an idiot. Go home, sister. You are embarrassing the rest of us.
THANK YOU, Crazy Grandpa! No wonder he is picking up support in Iowa.
Santorum will meddle in your local politics. You’re welcome, America.
For god sake, can someone please notify of the ACLU? I am getting scared about this court talk. America may need to contact legal aid.
Ron Paul says the one thing that makes me sort of like him. I need someone to the left of Obama. Oh shit, maybe it’s the beer, but I want to hug him right now. Note: It’s totally the beer.
Santorum doesn’t understand the difference between Sunni and Shia. Great.
So we have entered the official dick measuring contest. This isn’t boring at all.
Wow, did Grandpa just suggest that browns are human beings? I love you, crazy grandpa. Not that I am going to vote for you, but you are totally invited to Christmas this year.
SNAP! Grandpa tools Bachman.
Shit, Ron Paul is on fire.
Huntsman, refuses to be silenced.
Oh Christ, Newt is trying to be funny. Please someone, hold me.
Why is Newt always talking about Bill Clinton? I have a feeling a certain ex-president might need to take out a restraining order.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO BRING ME MORE BEER! THIS HURTS!
Even I am not enough of a nerd to enjoy this discussion about energy policy.
Dear Republican Party, Maybe we would be cooler about the whole state’s rights thing if we hadn’t all seen this picture:
Perry also doesn’t know what the Monroe Doctrine is. Can someone send him a Wikipedia link?
Santorum talks about Honduras. Deep cut of the night?
OOOO. Meg wants to know about the Mexicans, and Huntsman actually comes up with an original answer. I may take my shirt off for him.
Defending Marriage! Drink Gays, drink.
Defending Marriage Number Two! DO IT!
Santorum: I hate gays more than anyone on this stage.
I guess we are deep in the heart of the Judgmental Round. Who can shame the most Americans tonight?
Bachman goes for the Full Fundamentalist Press!
Important Note: Newt is on the record against purges. We have just found our own Boris Yeltsin.
Perry just gave the saddest summation ever.
Did anyone else catch that Romney said Obama has a “billion dollars” in election money?
Wow, what a lame ending for the night. Give me 10 to read your comments and post some analysis.
All right, let’s do the Monday Morning Quarterback Shit.
Newt and Romney held their ground, but Grandpa did make some impressive jabs. This was actually one of the best debates. It wasn’t the stuff of legend or Gore Vidal books, but it didn’t end with someone throwing a chair. Everyone tried to look their best. Sadly, their best just isn’t very attractive. I would try to make some interesting analysis here, but after watching these debates, I don’t feel I need to bother. None of these people are capable of beating Obama or of actually being able to perform the job of president. Republican Party, why don’t you call me in four years?
