We know how much you crazy kids love Craigslost. It’s a veritable institution, like 60 Minutes, or racism. But it so happens that the dark and perverted netherworld of Craigslist.org is simply too much for one man to trawl. Navigating the fine line between hilarious and disgusting is quite a workout.
Why is it so exhausting? Well first of all, the intrepid CL explorer has to learn all sorts of pervert shorthand. It’s probably a lot like being in the military. For example, when it says “BBC” in the title it’s not in fact an ad for Doctor Who fetishists. It actually means Big Black Cock. I learned that after innocently/stupidly clicking on the ad and being greeted with a giant picture of a BBC. I now have BBC PTSD.
So it’s a lot of hard work… and that’s why the legendary (and fellow ATLien) Slim Pickins has joined the Craigslost team. She put on her bio-hazard suit, strapped on the slime goggles and went digging with me for the best psycho-trash we could find. Let’s get to the fuckery!
Warning: Craigslost is NSFW.
Bots: Hey Slim! (In best Axl shriek) WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, BABY. YOU’RE GONNA DIEEEEEEE.
Slim: Thanks Bots! If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my mother and Youtube videos of people wiping out, it’s that it’s always important to put your best foot forward. Make a good first impression. Go the extra mile, gentlemen. Like this fella:
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY – 24 (Atlanta)
I’m kinder than Ghandi. Manlier than Bill Gates. More hilarious than a dead Wall Street guy. More creative than ten Albert Einsteins in a bottle . Sexier than George Lucas’ hair. Smarter than George W. Bush’s entire administration (let’s face it – to get away with the shit those evil motherfuckers pulled – you’ve got to have some smarts – manipulative smarts are still smarts – the kind of smarts you’ll go to hell for – I don’t believe in Hell, but hell, if there is a Hell, I pray that Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney are eternally banished to the lake of fire, but the part of the lake of fire where all of the flaming demonic sewage washes out). I got more balls than a driving range. I judge balls by quantity rather than size. I don’t hate anyone (I know this statement may be hard to believe after you’ve read about my feelings toward Dick and Rumy, but I promise you I do not hate these two men…). I love everyone. I pity quite a few(…I pity them. Their conscience can’t be good to them, and the pain must be greater than anything I know).I feel there are no pants in a good relationship because we’re both naked. I read science text books for fun. I like science. I’m no expert, but I’m increasingly curious and intrigued by the bounty of knowledge and wonder that science expounds. I like starring at clams crawling in the sand. I like making eye contact with flies. I like staring back in time at stars. If it doesn’t blow your mind that the light we see from the stars today predates the first human beings who ever had the urge to look at the night sky – then you probably shouldn’t contact me. I’m the son of a preacher man, and while I’ve rejected the bible – I understand those who don’t. I like truth. Not a fan of denial, though it is indispensable sometimes. I give smokes and food to homeless people whenever possible. I feel bad for not doing more and need to correct this glaring problem. I write in the mornings and work the rest of the day. I’m loyal, passionate, honest, reckless, careful, funny, looking, around, the, nose, area, generous, handy, bold, romantic, blah blah blah. I Entertain Myself with Audio Books, Visual Books, Bike Riding, Photography, Camping Trips, Capitalizing Every Important Word in this Sentence, Swimming in the Ocean, building Sandcastles, Going to Thrift Stores, Art Museums, Every National Park within a ten hour radius, Hanging out with my friends here in Atlanta, learning to play Guitar, Trying to find a Real Woman in this Phoney City (that’s where you come in (if you could be funny (for god’s sake have a sense of humor), smart, confident, genuine (for God’s only son’s sake please be genuine), well read, funny, cute, honest, childish, adventurous, nice, and wise I would be very grateful ), Playing sports, Learning everything I possibly can about everything, Working, Working, working, and working, , Listening to Vinyl LP’s, Traveling as much as possible, no longer capitalizing every word in this sentence cause it’s starting to become a pain in the ass, annoying my boss, getting annoyed at my boss, bribing him with laughs after one of his bad jokes, getting pissed off about politics, wondering when we’ll destroy nationalism, end poverty, combine forces to explore the cosmos, and discover how wonderful sex would be in zero gravity. Join me in this quest. Alright I’m heading out. If you happen to be interested and feel a pang of insatiable intrigue – contact me via Telepathy. If I don’t answer just call me or send me a text —– four zero four nine three one seven two zero six. i hate email because of all the bots on here… till then live long and prosper TV SHOWS — Doctor Who,Doll house, dexter, fringe, buffy, angel, battle star, firefly, the whitest kids you know, south park, futurama, aqua teen hunger force, V, family guy, robot chicken, spaced.BOOKS — John dies at the end, The girl with the dragon tattoo, the girl who played with fire, the girl who kicked the hornets nest, let the right one in, the strain, the ruins, a simple plan, the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, Hannibal, infected, war of the worlds, the time machine, catcher in the rye, the tommy knockers, cell, harry potter,.MUSIC — classical, jazz, reggae, house, trip hop, classic rock, alt rock, classic rap, celtic, blues. If you’re still reading and interested feel free to contact me..at four zero four nine three one seven two zero six.. that way I know you’re a real person.. I don’t want my email to get slammed by spam
- Location: Atlanta
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Bots: He had me right up until he admitted that he enjoys “Capitalizing Every Important Word in this Sentence.” Someone should contact him via telepathy and let him know people who do that are language rapists.
Slim: It’s only appropriate that we would find the black Kenny Powers in Black Hollywood. Do you know how hard it is to be him? All these triflin’ bitches waving their MFAs around like they’re the hottest ticket in town. PUH-LEASE.
Bots: I can’t even imagine a black Kenny Powers. I think my head would explode with the awesomeness of that.
Slim: I know, that’s why there isn’t one. America isn’t ready for that, bruh. We couldn’t even handle white Kenny Powers. Ladies, don’t ever that men aren’t “communicators.” I think this guy communicated the fact that he’s probably a serial cat molester pretty well.
sneaker trading? – m4m – 22 (atlanta)
size 12, white male, 6 foot, 190, 33 waist, workout 3-5x weekly.would love to swap sneakers to work out in & use on a daily basis
- Location: atlanta
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2727619786
Bots: At first I thought I was just a lame old-head who was unaware of some slang that the young whippersnappers be using these days. But I looked up “sneaker trading” on UrbanDictionary and… nothing. I have so many questions about this one.
Slim: I almost hope “sneaker trading” is something perverted and sexual. Anyone who would voluntarily wear someone else’s sweaty, stank ass shoes is only one step above being a feral child in my book.
Who told you, out of 70 billion people? – m4w – 29 (ATL)
That there is only one person meant for you? I really hope there isn’t just one person that you are compatible with. Maybe its time to stop looking for what someone else is giving and what you are doing offering? When is the last time you loved like you never loved one before, sacrificed something that you have never risked before, trusted like you have never given trust before. TAKE A CHANCE. What have you ever had worth keeping, that didn’t come without a serious Risk. Risk, but with your eyes open! GET someone who can rock with you when you rock, roll when your roll, ride for you when you riding. When I jump on my kawasaki, flying down the highway, when we hit a corner and I lean with the curve, but you lean away……Lets just say its time for you to get the heck off my bike, you might not get back on. If you know I have a benjamin in my wallet for dinner, but you order a 120 dollar plate for yourself…..I’ll charge my card but I hope you gotta pair of nikes with you since I’m riding home alone. What I have, you have, when I play, you play. when you cry I cry, we cry together. Genuine Man right here and in desire of a Real woman with strong nature, kind heart, with a loving walk.
- Location: ATL
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2727565180
Bots: First of all, despite the reference to riding around on a Kawasaki, I promise I did not write this. Also I love that his proposition includes a warning that “I hope she gotta pair of nikes with you since I’m riding home alone.” Ladies, don’t forget to pack the sneakers in your purse when you date this guy. He might leave you behind if you order the surf and turf.
Slim: I guess it’s a good thing I’m more of a steak and potatoes kind of lady, because my ass hates runnin’ and I wouldn’t want to ruin my Nikes anyway.
The weirdly sexual, free verse poetry found in many a CL post is one of my favorite things about the site, although I have to take off points for Freak Nasty’s this dude’s lack of creativity. I mean, “What I have, you have, when I play, you play. when you cry I cry, we cry together?!” HEY BUDDY, TRY CHANGING UP YOUR FORMULA NEXT TIME.
ROSE PETAL – m4w – 50 (METRO)
YOU ARE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR TO MY SOUL AND WE STILL HAVENT MET.PLEASE GIVE ME TIME…IM OLE SCHOOL AND WILL SPEAK WITH YOU…IM JUST A LIL HESITANT ….FROM THESE PAST GOLD DIGGIN Bs…..i know you are different.if you are meant to be you will be! marta man
- Location: METRO
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2724797695
Bots: There is so much I love about “marta man.” (For those of you not from the ATL, MARTA is Atlanta’s quite clean and convenient public transit system.) He clearly is a nice guy. He likes rose petals and pretty pictures of the forest but seems not quite sure about “the Gold Diggin Bs.” Amen to that, Marta Man!
Slim: There are so many MARTA jokes I want to make and so little space to make them. This guy is a keeper. Just look at that capslocked poetry! I bet he would even lend me his breeze card if I needed it. Someday I will inspire enough fiery passion in a man’s heart that he will only talk about me in capital letters.
My blonde blue nubian princess – m4w – 27 (Lithia Springs)
Date: 2011-11-28, 8:03PM EST
God you’re being such a cunt about life. I wish we could fuck some. I’d go the extra mile for you.
- Location: Lithia Springs
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2725644582
Bots: I’ve got to see what a blonde blue nubian princess looks like. She sounds like my type.
Slim: Bots, the purpose of Craigslost is to learn from the deeply disturbing mistakes of others. STAY AWAY FROM THE CUNTY BLONDE NUBIAN PRINCESSES.
Bots: You’re being such a cunt about life, Slim.
seeking my southern charm – 30 (mcdonough)
Date: 2011-11-30, 7:42PM EST
i’m 6’5″ 320lbs of good ole country boy. i’m divorced and have no kids, but want kids. i love God, my family and friends, and life. i need someone to share my life with who responsible, not afraid of committment or trying new things, desease free, drama free, has a sense of humor, has goals, is honest and caring. most importantly knows the meaning of the word love. i’m looking for long term to marriage. i will only send pics to those responses that have pics.
- Location: mcdonough
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2729407704
Bots: He sounds like a husky version of Kenneth Ellen Parcell from “30 Rock.” I don’t want to destroy this guy too badly but every single thing he’s looking for in a woman is the exact opposite of the typical Craigslist skank. Poor Kenneth. He should move to New York City and become and NBC page instead.
Slim: This guy is a Lee Greenwood song come to life. I actually love my country a little more after reading that. Don’t give up, Kenneth!
Force Me Femme… Transform This Sissy!!! – m4w – 41 (Gwinnett / Lilburn)
Date: 2011-11-30, 5:57PM EST
Make me a pussy….. Make me a pussy… Make me a pussy….I know I am a pussy and I am seeking ALL FEMALES to feel free to come over and forcibly turn me into a gurl! I am a pussy and just need to look like one. Use whatever force you need to make sure you get the job done completely and expose me to every white guy and let them know where a sexy slut is waiting for cum filled cocks. Just walk in my house and grab me and have me helpless before I have time to resist!!! I want to be a girl! Doll me up and leave me sexy and helpless so I can’t help what comes next. T4w m4w t4t m4t m4mw t4m
- Location: Gwinnett / Lilburn
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Bots: And BOOM goes the dynamite! I want to know exactly how his special lady is supposed to “come over and forcibly turn me into a gurl.” Also, when his mother sees this she’s going to be pissed that he was posing like that in her kitchen.
Slim: I think Mama is going to be more upset that he stretched out her best teddy. I appreciate his enthusiasm though. Because honestly, if I’m going to spend my Friday night turning you into “a pussy,” (aka my competition) you could at show a little gratitude.
Stay nasty, fuckos!
