Gawker posted a follow up to some other article about embarrassing things that could happen during sex. (Poop!)
I read it. Heck, I even commented. (Did you know I still have a star?! And that the last time I commented on a Gawker Media site was in March?! It’s like history.)
That’s not important. What is important is that I thought that story was a bit of a downer. (Me! My thoughts are so important)! It was funny, sure, but still kind of depressing, with all the pooping and the puking. I’d like to take a moment to be a bit more positive, upbeat and inspiring. I’m going to list some TOTALLY AWESOME things that can happen during sex. (Some of these have actually happened to me! True story, bro). Sorry, mom and dad.
- Someone buys you a Slurpee.
- Someone knocks on the door and awards you a giant novelty check for $1 million.
- You both have an orgasm and nobody pukes, poops, cries or bleeds on body parts, the bed sheets, the walls or pets.
- The playlist you made for sex is cued up so you get to finish to The Final Countdown.
- They made you birthday cake you can enjoy with your birthday sex. It is your favorite kind of cake. It is not a lie.
- You have sex on a rooftop and get to enjoy a lovely spring sunrise, complete with melodic bird chirping as a soundtrack.
- Your hair is in your face and you manage to pull a hair tie off your wrist and put it in a pony tail without breaking stride, and while getting compliments on your ninja skills.
- You actually defeat a ninja and save your partner’s life without your partner realizing, because you are a super hero in disguise. You earn 10 xp.
- The Doctor and Sexy Dalek role-play with a Hitachi brand Sonic Screwdriver.
- Your pet decides to just go to sleep in a different room instead of staring at you creepily while you are naked and on top of someone else.
- Your non-Ikea furniture is not from Ikea, and is also sturdily made and put together by skillful people, so it does not break at a crucial moment, because it is a monument to good craftsmanship and reliability, just like your sexual performance. 9.5 out of 10! You are so special!
- You’re burning calories and relieving stress and having tons of fun doing something sweaty and athletic and naked! And nobody’s calling the cops on you!
- Sex. Sex is pretty awesome, just in general.