“In one of the most unusual twists in niche programming, the global fast-food chain is launching the McDonald’s Channel, a digital network of exclusive original content targeted at dine-in customers.”—L.A.Times 10/17/11
Let’s program this thing, shall we?
6-10am: Good McMorning! As comforting as an Egg McMuffin, as sweet as a Cinnamon Melt, Good McMorning! is newsfotainment at its best! Greet your day with uplifting stories, interviews and cooking segments. That’s not heartburn you feel, that’s heartwarming. Hosts: Dave Coulier and Jenna Von Oy.
10-11am: It’s Not Gonna Kill Ya! Whimsical personal health show explains how so many little aches and pains are just that: little! Stabbing chest pains? It’s probably just gas! Nothing a frigid McFlurry couldn’t cool right down. (Deliciously–and with only 510 puny calories!) Host: Dr. Conrad Murray (Fingers crossed)!
11-12pm: Let’s Make a Meal (like product)! Zesty game show during which audience members are asked to create a McDonald’s meal (like product) out of whatever random items they have on their person. Winner’s actual meal (like product)s will be sold in actual McDonald’s restaurants, for which they will not actually be compensated! Host: Billy Bush.
12-1pm: All My Children Serialized drama starring Susan Lucci as Erica Kane, the oft married queen bee of Pine Valley. (What? ABC cancelled it. It’s called recycling; look it up. McDonald’s is green, people).
2-3pm: The Paula Dean Show Paula cooks food that even we feel a little queasy about!
3-4pm: Go Bright Or Go Home! Design show based on the classic, time-tested McDonald’s aesthetic. Episodes include, “Florescent Lighting: You Don’t Look Bad; You Look Like You” “Polystyrene Plastic: Because You Can Hose It Down.”
4-8pm: McDonaldland News Bite sized nuggets of news (like product) from the happiest place on earth. Wait. That’s somewhere else. Never mind. News that’s newsy and delicious.
8-8:30: Man Starring Charlie Sheen.
8:30-9: Man Starring Charlie Sheen (We very confident about this one)!
9-10pm: HII: Health Inspector Investigations Watch as health inspectors visit McDonald’s franchises all around the country, seeking out dastardly health violations! Just like the best mysteries provide a comforting conclusion, as good always triumphs over evil, we always get an A! How fun is that?
10-11pm: The Good McWife When Mayor McCheese’s devoted wife, Patty, begins to suspect he’s betrayed her…she sweeps it right under the rug! Everything’s fine. They’re adorable. A meaty dramedy about one big, hippy family.
11-1am: Shouldn’t You Be Home Now? McClassic McComedy talk show filled with topical humor (“What’s the deal with salad? Am I right?”), sketches and musical guests. Cozy up to the register at midnight, order that Angus Chipolte BBQ Bacon, Large Fries and Diet Dr. Pepper. Host George Lopez and his hilarious sidekick Grimace will keep you in stitches–and the self-loathing at bay!
Photo Credit: pointnshoot
