The other day I was perusing the aisles of my local Home Depot and when I glanced over at one of the shelves, I was suddenly hearing the power chords of Black Sabbath’s Crazy Train inside my head.
I reached tool nirvana on Saturday afternoon, my friends, when I spotted what has to be the greatest piece of hardware ever made: the gloriously named FatMax Xtreme Fubar.
First of all, the FatMax Xtreme Fubar is 100% forged fucking steel. It weighs like 15 pounds. It has a THICK coated rubber handle for grip and it is painted in fluorescent hi-viz yellow. This thing is so fucking punk rock. And it only does one thing well: BREAK SHIT.
Even the product description is badass:
The Stanley FatMax Xtreme Fubar Functional Utility Bar is a 4-in-1 tool for prying, splitting, board bending, and striking jobs. When you want to drive nails, you have a pneumatic gun. When you want to demolish things, you have the FatMax Xtreme Fubar. There’s a reason that this tool was a recipient of the Popular Science “Best of What’s New” Award. As their reviewer put it, “The Fubar’s square head and tapered edge tore huge holes in the walls, and the toothed jaws wrenched studs so forcefully I swear I heard the wood cry out in pain.”
Still don’t believe me? Think I’m full of shit? WELL POOP ON YOU, SIR! READ THESE REVIEWS FROM THE FINE WEIRDOS WHO REVIEW PRODUCTS ON AMAZON.
Brutality Incarnate
I’m fairly sure that’s the name of a Norwegian black metal band.
But if all you want to do is knock down some walls or kill some enemies, this is the way to go.
Good to know!
The FUBAR (hereafter referred to as Bender because I cannot stop laughing my “evil Bender from Futurama” laugh when I use this thing) chewed through the 1990 particleboard blight in record time. My wife was convinced that the mantle piece was part of the structure of the house, it was on so solid. Bender ripped it off like a paper towel. It was into the studs with four 3″ wood screws and the house wept when I tore it off. I felt like a Mohel. I also made short work of the hearth by using Bender like a crowbar.
Note to self: Jewish circumcisions must be terrifying. Never attend one of those.
I’m a DIYer and I’m constantly finding new uses for this thing. Whether it’s breaking up furniture for trash pickup, demo work for a project, or even using it to remove some big bushes/smallish trees, the Fubar does whatever it is asked to very well.
Wait. Did he just say he uses the FUBAR to take out trees? Holy fuckballs.
THOR GOD OF THUNDER! Thats who I feel like with this tool in my hand. Best demo tool around. Not for the faint of heart.
Thank you, sir. This is exactly how I imagine it feels to wield the FUBAR.
This is the first tool I’ve ever had that suggested eye protection not only for the user, but also for bystanders. I would not recommend it for fighting zombies, mainly due to blood spatter.
Duly noted! Also, bystanders should probably wear sunglasses to shield their eyes from your blinding aura of badassitude.
At the end of the day, the FatMax is a tool of destruction. Without trying to be politically insensitive, it’s a manly and primitive device. When I pick it up, I have to suppress a Neanderthal-esque grunt. I feel sorry for whatever I plan to use it on. I may even pause for a few moments of silence before commencing to tear it apart.
It’s like you can hear the music of drywall crying in pain.
If you are creating that care package for the person in your life who has just been itching for the imminent zombie attach, this is the gift for them. Bundle this with the Zombie Survival Guide, World War Z, 28 Days Later, and a bucket of nails, and you’ve got days of Zombie killing fun in front of you.
You knew someone was going to point out its Zombie-massacring abilities.
I notice that others have commented the usefulness of FatMax for zombies. As much as I love this item, I have to disagree. The FatMax is good for a strong first swing but then horrible for defending against nasty zombie bites. Or for a quick followup blow. Or a quick blow to another zombie since they do tend to congregate. It would however be incredibly useful at jamming a moving wall of spikes should you fall into such a pit trap.
Point-counterpoint! Personally I would be proud to carry the FatMax Extreme Fubar into zombie battle, but this guy just can’t help himself and has to be all NOOOO DON”T SPLATTER THE BLOOD. Fine, ruin our day of fun, sir!
I constantly build and tear down sets for filming and this thing makes a breeze out of deconstruction along with some aspects of construction. Also, it looks so evil that I just may feature a movie around it!
How has this thing not played a major part of one of those shit-ass “Saw” sequels yet?
This last review is so poignant I almost cried.
i could probably talk about all the different things i could destroy with this tool all day. it is not to be used for creating things though. its not made that way. only destruction. and it does that. whatever has to come apart.
