Jersey Shore Live Blog

Hey there, guys!  First off, I’d like to give a shout out to clarity83 for filling in for me last week.  Thanks, gworl.

Are you ready for a lovely tour of the Uffizi Gallery and an art history tour of Florence?  Hahaha, kidding!  That sure as shit won’t happen on this show.  Let’s get started.

Oh, Jersey Shore.  The things I learn here!  Who knew that fist pumping and chapstick was a thing?  Or that flowers from the bodega were, well,  so bad?  I happen to like them just fine, but then again I am very easily entertained.  Anyway. I am in awe of the kernels of wisdom tossed from above every week by our favorite ugly Americans.  Please share your observations in the comments below.  Learning is so much more fun when it’s a collective experience, no?

Image via inquisitr.com

 Ok, I don’t have nearly as much alcohol as I thought I did.  That’s, like, vital for watching this show.  How did I allow that to happen?

Let’s watch Jenny and Snooks turn a fifteen minute break into an entire afternoon.  Where can I get a job like that?

Why does Snooki even bother calling Jeehahhhneeey?  He never has anything nice or encouraging to say to her.  She should get lessons on being DONE from Ron and Sammi.  Oh, wait . . .

Team Who?

Why are all the TH’s done in front of a map of Italy?  Is it to remind these idiots where they are?

Aaaaannnd now they’re going to desecrate a gorgeous beach.  Let me say it now, before shit jumps off: on behalf of the US, I’m sorry, Italy.

“How do you say vagina in Italian?”  They’re keepin’ it klassy.

Why is Snooki dressed like a witch?  Are they celebrating Halloween in Italy?

The footage of Snooki crashing into the bushes should be placed on a constant loop.  Do it, editors.

The Charlie Sheen roast is going to be AWESOME!!!!

Shit, Deena.  That’s seriously gross and not even funny.  Put your fucking panties back on.

Damn.  When Ron is talking about how drunk you are, you’ve got problems.

Snooki and Deena are getting kind of tired with the attention-whoring.  It’s pretty sad, actually.

The requisite club scene.  The attention whoring will surely stop now.  I suspect this will not end well.

My cat is yelping inexplicably in the living room.  She’s apparently freaked out by seeing Deena’s hoo-hah, too.

LESBIONICS, YO!

I love Pauly.  Somehow I think he’d be a blast to hang with.

Hey, at least Ron and Sammi aren’t fighting, right??  Right?

Swack your jag.  Or some such nonsense.

I can’t believe J-Woww and Sammi are hanging.  Also?  When you embarrass Ron – I know, right? – you’re fucked up.

Hot sweat and regret.  That sounds about right.

Deena . . . does sex?  What century is she in?  And she’s a fucking liar, she remembers everything from the night before.

This has been a largely Sitch-free episode.  Thank you for that, producers.

Oooh, car crash coming up!

This Jeyanny doesn’t sound too swift.

Even though that pizzeria is probably getting a shitload of publicity, I still feel sorry for the owner/supervisor/whatever who has to supervise these guys.  Really, no one deserves that.

Deena and Snook remind me of when my niece was five and she did all kinds of stupid shit for attention.  I’m thinking Ritalin would really do them some good.

First off, why on earth would you drive in Italy, especially Florence?

Why do I think Snooki hitting that car wasn’t an accident?  You know, additional camera time and all?

I feel like I need a shower after that.  Thanks for a fun night, guys!

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