http://youtu.be/gudEttJlw3s
Wasn’t it just a moment ago that Bryce was spared and Non-Gay Mormon Josh was sent packing? It seems like no time has passed at all and yet once again, Project Runway appears in homes, apartments, and gay bars across the land.
Ready to titillate, shock and confuse you are Heidi “Think Big, Really Big” Klum, Nina “It’s Terrible” Garcia, and Michael “Drama Doesn’t Mean Tacky” Kors. As always, there are spoilers inside, so click at your own peril.
We Read You – The Best LiveBlog Comment
Feisty bunch this week, weren’t you? Here’s a rip on the rump of Kim Kardashian:
This paled only in comparison to an unintended reveal of next week’s challenge
Good job, CL! Pray tell, what else does your crystal ball foretell?
The Visit To Mood Fabrics:
Yay! The first visit to Mood this season! Unfortunately, the shade factor was mighty low. No one stole anyone else’s fabrics, no one pushed Gollum down the stairs, no one witnessed Miss Bert taking a quick nip behind the upholstery fabrics. Can we talk about those upholstery fabrics? How did Miss Bert and Gollum select two bolts of material that completely Did Not Go with one another? All signs point to Colorblind Uniball casting a malicious spell, transferring his afflictions to this unfortunate pair for the duration of the challenge.
The Inevitable Workroom Breakdown
Oh, we’re gonna give it to Miss Bert this week, aren’t we? Viktor (a/k/a Gollum) kept saying things that were close to the truth but not quite there, and Miss Bert just took Gollum to school and made him stay after class, yes she did! Clapping erasers and things of that nature. She is a stern task mistress, Miss Bert is, with her bustle and “Say Something” hat. Did you know she has it on good authority that Mae West never wore pants? Well, she does! Do not let her catch you believing otherwise, for the consequences shall be severe.
Second place prize goes to Fallene (a/k/a Carol Burnett) for her complete lack of gumption, allowing Beatrice (a/k/a Bryce) to stomp all over her. Oh, Beatrice. If you said “on the grain” one more time, there would have been a massive run on emergency services as people all across this great land of ours collapsed into alcoholic comas. Be mindful of our drinking games, Beatrice.
The Trip To Makeup and Hair
Those clever producers at Project Stumbleway. They knew they had a trainwreck on their hands, delivered to them by the hairburners at the L’Oreal Garnier Fructis Tre’semme Ooh La Laa Product Placement Academy. Can you imagine the conversations among the hair torturers, speaking in Polari or some other such dialect. “Hey, crimper! Check this naff wyckle.” “Hush, riah shusher, lookin’ at it makes me orbs hurt.” Meanwhile, the stilt-girls and the sewtestants look on, baffled, unable to follow.
Those naughty elves (oops, wrong production company) held this nonsense under their voluminous skits until the runway show before we could see it! Naughty, naughty elves producers. Of course, the trainwreck is the hair-strosity on top of Danielle and Cecilia’s Chiffon Yawn.
The Runway
Speaking of Project Stumbleway, these stilt girls really could not walk, could they? They kept stomping and crashing and waving their arms in odd and disturbing ways. Some of them looked as if they were under water, or perhaps working with a strong head wind. Or maybe they had a touch of the rickets. Vitamin D deficiency, not a good look on a runway, dear.
And then there was Blecky and Kimberly’s model, “Ole Crazy Eyes.” She obviously took a few classes over at the Ramona Singer “Bewitching Eyes” Modeling Academy, didn’t she? Quite the disturbing stare on Crazy Eyes. Who here felt that Crazy Eyes was just going to keep walking off the runway and start doing the Monster Mash among the (curiously subdued) audience? Show of hands? Anyone? No one? Well, very good then.
Deliberation Amongst The Judges
There must have been something wrong with the studio microphones, because whenever Kim Kardashian spoke during the contestant interview and deliberation phase, nothing was heard but the keening of locusts. Why locusts, Kim? Are you some diabolical Locust Queen, set upon this good earth to strip it bare and then move on to another planet?
First, the goodies:
Barbie and Colorblind Uniball
Heidi: “This looks like it took a lot of work.” Uniball: “Nope. Total glue gun action.” Heidi: [laser glare]
Michael Kors: “Look sister, you don’t live in a cave. Be part of the world.”
Nina: “Reminds me of that Gucci dress. Please try to be original. You big copy cat.”
Kim: [crunchity insect noises]
Blecky and Kimberly
Heidi: “This is very well tailored.”
Michael Kors: “You guys are great tailors.”
Nina: “I love the pants, great tailoring.”
Kim: “BWAA HAA HAA I SUMMON THE LOCUSTS!”
And then, the baddies:
Miss Bert and Gollum
Heidi: “You two belong in a work camp. I have one of those, you know.”
Michael Kors: “Did you steal that gold mesh from the Jordan almonds?”
Nina: “It looks like a bad costume and the fabrics. Bad drapes at a cheap hotel.”
Kim: “BzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZZ!”
Bernice and Fallene
Heidi: “This is black swan.”
Michael Kors: “The whole bottom is a big blah.”
Nina: “This was a promise of an idea. A promise broken.”
Kim: “I wear tank tops to bed!”
Who’s In, And Who’s Auf?
Oh, Carol Burnett a/k/a Fallene. We hardly knew ye. You were our Manic Pixie Dream Girl, our Nice Guy, our first, our last, our everything. But the stresses and strains of vicious competition were too much for you, weren’t they, you frail delicate pixie flower giver goddess?
Yes, it was all too much for you to take, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Oh, and the fact that you could not figure out the “grain” of a fabric (drink!). You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here, Fallene.
And look at you, Barbie Dream House. You said the right things, you did the right things. You achieved a true 180 from your behaviors on the first two episodes. Colorblind Uniball, sensing your sea-change, was gracious and gave you the win, and you graciously accepted.
No idiotic quotes this time, no rich people’s palaver. You are immune to elimination in next week’s challenge, and you even said you want to win next week in the stew room. Keep this up and you’re going to get on someone’s good side, little lady.
Bonus Content: Gay Ryan Reynolds
Captain Snarky had a lil something to say about this season’s “I Feel Pretty” contestant:
And can you blame our good Captain? After all, look at what Gay Ryan Reynolds subjected the photographers at Lifetime to:
All model images via mylifetime.com. Gay Ryan Reynolds was found there too. Unfortunate, but true.
