This is where I want to be
Here with you so close to me
Until the final flicker of Life’s ember…
Cap’n and Betts
Would like to invite you for drinks and a nibble
Hallowe’en, 2011
10/31/11
From 4 to 6
Costumes suggested
What you need:
Glassware – Proper glasses – plastic cups Will Not Do. Crystal is the best, but Ikea makes wineglasses at .50 apiece. Serve in the best you can afford. Hint: if you collect a bunch of crystal from yard sales, your guests will think they are heirlooms and you will be rumored to be A Man Of Taste.
Decent cocktail napkins – cloth only, please. Paper shreds all over the place and is like the John Candy of barware. The cloth ones are inexpensive, and so, so worth it.
Flatware – Small plates with a rim – any partay store has them. Porcelain, plain white, 8″ diameter or so. Not expensive, nicer than plastic, and if mine could talk…
Bar –
-Lemons and limes
-Crushed ice
-One brown liquor – I recommend Knob Creek bourbon
-One clear liquor – I recommend Grey Goose vodka
-A light beer – Bud Light Lime is taystay. Corona is too.
-2 bottles of fizzy dry prosecco – Martini is excellent
-2 bottles of yummy chardonnay
-2 bottles of delectable red wine
Snacks –
-Shrimp cocktail (Note – GOOD shrimp, like restaurant kind. The cheaper version is tasty, it’s true. But one good shrimp, fresh and pink and seaworthy, is better than three subpar ones)
-Pigs in a blanket. No one will admit it, but every single human being on the planet adores them
-Ritz crackers with cream cheese and: olives, ham, apple bits, pepper, salami, or any or all of the above
-Wee quiches, with decent cheese and real bacon in them
-Crudites with melted brie for dipping. Asparagus is actually a finger food. Miss Manners said it, so it must be true
-3 different cheeses and crackers or toasted bread. Fondue is a nice way to do this
-Dark chocolate and sweet fruit (berries)
-Fresh citrus will wake up guests who need to drive home, and clementines and chocolate are wonderful together.
You had best remember that this may be dinner for many people. Serve enough nibbles to fill the dinner gap. One nibble that worked well was a roast beef roll-up from an ’80s Food and Wine cookbook: cream cheese, horseradish, minced cooked shallots spread over rare cooked roast beef slices, then rolled up into a tube. After an overnight chill wrapped in parchment, then plastic, the tube got sliced into 1/2″ slices, which kept many an overserved Crocker guest on the straight and narrow.
Music – keep it to the 1960s if you like your furniture. Stan Getz, The Fifth Dimension, Silver Convention. If you do NOT care, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Lady Gaga are fine. It’s a great idea to startle your guests a little with your musical choices, but don’t be grim – Sinead O’Connor is not your friend here.
Seating – There must be ample comfy seating in a sunny room, with several windows full of the sunset and massive trees. There also should be fresh flowers in the foyer, in the guest bath, in the living room, in the dining room. Roses from the garden are ideal. Carnations from the supermarket are also pretty, and smell amazing.
Favors – I make jam in August with fresh summer fruit. I do a huge batch in very small jars (4 oz.) These are my favors. I get calls in January – “OMG the strawberry jam you made is so f’n amazing!” It is. But a goody bag is cool too. Still – “The Sauce, Thomas. The goddamn SAUCE!” is nice to hear in February, months after the party took place. You will never get your jars back. I never do. That’s okay.
Guests – fun and funny. Beautiful and interesting. Well-dressed and well-read. Make sure your shy friends who are great one-on-one but not so hot in groups are invited as well – they may meet a kindred spirit by the dishwasher and make a new buddy.
The Host (You) – Mingle and say hello to everyone. Linger in the foyer if you must but get everyone a drink (while showing them how to get their own afterwards) and hand one and all a plate for snacks. Bust up boring conversations by saying “I think Obama might be… BLACK” and “I want to hatefuck Rush.” Then run away. You can haul out Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations and say some pretty whacked-out shit that will definitely get people talking.
Guests:
ZOMG I’ve been invited, what the hell do I wear? It’s SO easy, kittens –
Men – when it is hot out, anything linen. Rumpled, wrinkled, creamy-colored pastel linen. Throw a blazer or cardigan on if it’s 60 degrees Fahrenheit or less. Is it cold out? Gray trousers with an oxford shirt. Jeans with a tweed blazer. Cords with an argyle if you’re the Prep sort. Knee-length shorts and a sweater are very academic, but it works.
Ladies – Dress up a bit. It’s your chance to make an impression and have some fun. The Vintage Thing you got at Anthropologie will make people say “Woah!” Pants are ok, but capris and a sweater set say you aren’t kidding. Mom’s go-go mini from 1968 brands you as a fashion expert, and so you need to be able to discuss embroidery, beading, Hemline Theory and modern dance if you rock that frock.
No one who trots over to the piano to sing along is EVER a Bad Guest. I don’t care if you’re tone deaf, a Jew singing Christmas carols, or the kind of gal who slams her Gaga shoe up on the piano lid next to the daffodils while belting out The Trolley Song. People who do this are delightful, and they will get invited over and over. (I have many, many CT people on this list, but Gooch, I’m looking at you for that last one.)
Taking your leave: cocktail parties are not dinner, so you need not wait for dessert. (If you DO, it will be Interesting.) It is just a way to show hospitality. Hug your host and kiss your hostess goodnight.
Reciprocate: All you need to do is get your hosts smashed. That’s it. You can do this at dinner or pull the “try my eggnog” trick at the holidays. If you are doing The Bunny Hop across Wheatley Way to help your erstwhile hosts home, you have done a good job.
You have all week, peoples. Throw an awesome cocktail partay.