It’s been just over three months since Manchester United secured their 19th Premier League title by drawing 1-1 at Blackburn, but for soccer fans in England and abroad the EPL off-season seems as long and gray as a London winter. American football’s off-season is over twice as long, but at least we have basketball, hockey, and baseball to keep us company.
The Premier League is like the NBA, NHL, MLB, and Real Housewives of Manchester all rolled up into an annual nine-month long soap opera. It has drama, skill, heartbreak and triumph all acted out by highly skilled and impeccably trained practitioners of the beautiful game. So stakes were high when the first balls were kicked on Saturday to uphold the long, proud tradition of 120+ years of professional English football.
The result? Nine goals in seven matches including three snoozer scoreless draws, two additional 4-0 beatdowns of newly-promoted minnows, two red cards, and a dive that would’ve ended the career of even the most amateur professional wrestler.
Week one started off on a negative foot even before it began with the Tottenham-Everton match postponed due to the rioting in North London. The rest of the weekend, aside from a few notable scuffles, was mostly unremarkable. Of the upper crust, only the two Manchester teams came away with the full three points while Arsenal and Liverpool both looked shaky (if not downright anemic).
Game Rundown-
- Blackburn 1-2 Wolves: Stephen Ward converted a saved PK to see off Blackburn. Both will be fighting to stay above relegation zone all year, and for Wolves three points never hurts.
- QPR 0-4 Bolton: Less than five minutes in, QPR’s Kieron Dyer went down in a heap and was carted off. Gary Cahill scored for Bolton just before half, and the team added three more for a scoreline more impressive than the performance.
- West Brom 1-2 Manchester United – The defending champs were incredibly lucky to leave the Hawthorns with three points. United dominated possession, but had little answer for WBA big man Somen Tchoyi. Rooney opened the scoring and a deflected Ashley Young goal late made the escape possible.
- Liverpool 1-1 Sunderland – Liverpool might feel they should’ve won at home, but Sunderland defended well in numbers. Liverpool’s Luis Suarez skied a penalty early but redeemed with a perfect flick to open the scoring. Larsson’s goal to equalize will be one of the best of the year.
- Wigan 1-1 Norwich City – A battle between two teams who, like Blackburn and Wolves, will consider a successful campaign anything that keeps them in the Premiership for another year. An entertaining first half followed by a quiet second, with both teams seemingly content to nab a precious point.
- Fulham 0-0 Aston Villa: [Snoring sounds.] Fulham’s attacking display is full of sound and fury, scoring nothing.
- Newcastle 0-0 Arsenal: See above. Aside from the “fight”, nothing to see here.
- Stoke City 0-0 Chelsea: Chelsea actually put on an impressive display, but were turned away repeatedly by Stoke keeper Asmir Begovic. Stoke defended well, and must be content with a point.
- Manchester City 4-0 Swansea: A second-half attacking masterclass. Swansea looked like they belonged for 55 minutes, but the gulf in class became evident. Dzeko poked a hole in the dam before new City man Sergio Agüero flooded the Welsh team with two goals and an assist.
Match of the Week – Manchester City were relentless in the second half, as they broke down newly-promoted Swansea time and again before finally breaking through with a Dzeko rebound in the 57th minute. City pounded Swansea keeper Michel Vorm with shots, but the Dutchman was game, recording more saves than any keeper had in any match last season. New City player Sergio Agüero came on for De Jong after Dzeko’s goal (Mancini making an attacking substitution? Say it ain’t so!) and showed that he may be the best new acquisition in all of Europe. Eight minutes into his City career, he pounced on a Micah Richards cross and knocked it in for his debut goal. Just three minutes later, Agüero used some fancy footwork to (possibly) keep the ball in play, where it found David Silva to make it 3-0.
Agüero then finished the game emphatically with a fantastic dipping goal to cap off a 4-0 domination. Swansea actually ended the game with 57% of the possession, but managed only eight shots. City’s barrage ended with 31 shots, 15 of which were on target. It was certainly an impressive display from City, but Swansea showed heart and skill on the ball through patches and played one excellent half. They look as if they have the fight to remain in the top flight, but this is a hard lesson to learn against an incredibly talented team.
Match of the Weak – Of the three goalless draws, the drab display put on by Fulham and Aston Villa was easily the least exciting. Fulham giant (and Hagrid’s half-brother) Bobby Zamora managed to find new Villa keeper Shay Given time after time, regardless of how much empty net could be found in front of him. Villa’s new megabucks signing, Charles N’Zogbia, looked slightly more lifelike than a dead squirrel and was subbed off in the second half of his debut. Both teams should be fighting for European play this season, so let’s hope there’s better football to come.
Best Individual Performance(s) – What more can be said? Sergio Agüero’s debut at Eastlands was a rousing success. In 30-odd minutes he tallied an assist and two goals, one of which (the latter) was a world-class dipper that no one in the world was saving. The £35 million man showed glimpses that he may be worth every pound.
Chelsea’s high-powered attack was held at bay by a tough Stoke defense and the incredible work of Asmir Begovic. The Bosnian keeper saved numerous long range efforts before turning aside an Obi Mikel volley and a sure goal from Nicolas Anelka. Stoke did very well to earn a point against one of Europe’s foremost sides, but the Potters’ defense was aided by Chelsea’s £50 million acquisition of non-scoring stone statue Fernando Torres in January. (What’s the difference between me at the Playboy mansion and Fernando Torres in Chelsea blues? At least I have some chance to score.) (Tip your waiters, try the veal.)
Worst Individual Performance – Maybe “Worrisome Performance” is more apt, but big-dollar signing David De Gea did not calm any fears with his first Premier League performance as Manchester United’s keeper. The former Atletico Madrid star gave up a goal in the 2-1 win over West Brom that would best be described as “shaky” (the shot was registered at roughly the speed of sloth) not to mention his tenuous handling of a few seemingly routine crosses. The fact that United may be without three top defenders for some time will do little to allay fears.
Razzie Nomination for Worst Acting on the Field – Joey Barton, the Newcastle bad boy whose Twitter antics have become the stuff of legend, provided the only real spark in the otherwise lifeless 0-0 draw with Arsenal. With 15 minutes remaining, Arsenal forward Gervinho appeared to go down rather easily in the box unsuccessfully trying to draw a penalty. Instead of continuing with the play, Mr. Barton felt he needed to let the still-prone Gervinho know his playacting was not appreciated. When the Arsenal man stood up a scuffle ensued. At one point, Gervinho’s hand came within a few inches of Barton’s face prompting the Newcastle midfielder to crumple to the ground as though he had been hit by a James Bond-style pen gun. After a minute or so of writhing around in what appeared to be sheer agony, the referee dismissed Gervinho and Barton popped up with nary a scratch. After the match, Barton admitted to playing up the incident. Sources report that Barcelona has contacted Newcastle and are interested in hiring him as an outside diving consultant.
Best Way to Endear a New Fanbase by Someone not Named Sergio Agüero- Sebastian Larsson provided two assists on opening weekend against Sunderland last season, but this year he provided the most spectacular goal of the very young season so far in their 1-1 draw with giants Liverpool at Anfield. He could’ve had an equalizing assist in the 53rd minute, but his cross was headed right at Jose Reina. Just four minutes later, Larsson found enough space in the box to rocket a falling-back volley past Reina to tie the game at 1. Sunderland would hold on and get an away point at Anfield, something no one could’ve expected before kickoff.
The Fab Five-
- Real Madrid & Barcelona – Why should these two Spanish teams be in the EPL top 5, you ask? Because they put on an impressive display yesterday in the first leg of the Spanish Super Cup and I couldn’t possibly put Liverpool or Arsenal here after their performance over the weekend. Chelsea were on the road, but at least Liverpool scored. Both tallied a point that will be helpful during the season, but neither of them deserve this spot at this moment.
- Tottenham – Their opening match against Everton was postponed due to riots in North London, but there’s nothing to suggest that Spurs don’t belong in the discussion. Robbie Keane is off to Los Angeles to join Donavan, Beckham, and co., and Luca Modric’s much-publicized desire to move to Chelsea is still at the forefront. The talented Croat could shift power in the EPL rather quickly if (and probably when) he moves.
- Chelsea – Stoke were game in the opening match but it took Begovic’s magnificent performance to keep them at bay. Chelsea looked a bit rusty under new manager Andre Villas-Boas, but have the talent both up front and in the back to maintain pressure on the top of the table. Plus, management might not be done acquiring parts for AVB’s machine (See Tottenham & Modric above).
- Manchester United – Still kings of the castle, but Sir Alex has many questions to answer at the back. David De Gea looked shaky in net, and both Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic went off with injuries. The attack looked strong, with newcomer Ashley Young providing good service and causing the Reid own goal that decided the game. United were without Javier Hernandez, who was their biggest spark plug last season.
- Manchester City – After a weekend of lackluster performances from the top teams, City put on an attacking display at Eastlands worthy of their spot at the top. Sure, Swansea aren’t expected to do much in the campaign, but the result was magnificent and the performance even better. Although United are still the big boys in the room, City showed last year that the gap had closed significantly. It’s never smart to infer anything from one week during the season (especially the first week), but the boys in red will have to notice this performance and think that the lines are no longer so clear-cut.
Next Week – Arsenal and Liverpool attempt to set a Premier League record for number of passes completed in the box without actually putting a shot on target.
Photo via Flickr.
