The UN announced today that due to the massive news surplus in the first seven months of 2011, no more events will be permitted, anywhere in the world, for the rest of the year.
A spokesperson from the UN said today that the General Assembly have voted to ban all newsworthy happenings for the rest of the year; “After the horror of the Japanese tsunami, the roller-coaster ride of the Arab Spring and the global recession and debt crises, we were already emotionally shattered. Now after the shocking events in Norway and the spectre of famine hanging over the Horn of Africa we give up. 2011 is full; there will be no further events until 2012”.
This move was welcomed by journalists all over the globe; “We have 24 hours of rolling news a day”, says Lori Sumpem, a producer for BBC 24, “But we like to repeat the same 15 minutes over and over again; when too much stuff happens, it causes problems”. Aggie Patel, a newsreader, agrees; “I haven’t enjoyed any of the news since the Royal Wedding. It is always horrific and we have to pretend we know what is happening even when we don’t have any details. I am looking forward to the Zen that comes from watching a blank autocue as I stare at the viewers who are staring back at me. Although, as the empty autocue screen is black, I may spend some time speculating whether Al Qaida is behind the lack of news.”
Even celebrities are taking part in not taking part; SAG, all major record companies and TV stations have asked their talent to refrain from marrying, having children, drinking, taking drugs, driving fast and eating high fat or high salt foods. After hearing that Lindsay Lohan has taken up knitting, showbiz blogger Sherez Shilton has turned his considerable writing talents to children’s books; “My first book will be based on the lives of the squirrels in my garden”. John James, a paparazzo says he will turn his hand to wildlife photography; “It’s great, I was in the bushes anyway and not having to lie in the gutter looking for some adolescent snatch, means I can sleep at night”.
With John Boehner finally agreeing to act like an adult and, and Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann both retiring from public life (the latter will be opening a gay bar with her husband in Buffalo County, Wisconsin), the only groups who will not be complying with the UN resolution are sharks and diseased animals that look a bit like mythological creatures or cryptids. Chris the coyote, who has suffered from mange for 5 years explains; “the summer season is the time of the year when we get some recognition. I was worried that that wouldn’t happen this year because the people who would normally be running away from me, screaming ‘Argh Chupacabra!’ are all curled in foetal position muttering about how everything is just so fucking messed up. Now, with all events cancelled, I will finally get the recognition I deserve”. When asked for a comment on this story a spokeshark declined to be interviewed, claiming that if he stopped to talk to us, he would die. However his “Summer of Shark 2011” tattoo told us everything we needed to know.
The planned alien invasion of November 2011 has also been put back a year. P’ting Alpha of the First Division of the Amalgamated Fleet of Gorgonea Tertia says that although they had originally arranged with the Mayans to come in 2012 they had decided to come in November instead for reasons, as P’ting says “are too complicated for your tiny ape-brains to understand”. They agreed to put back the total destruction of all human civilisation a year, partly to respect the UN ban, but mostly because their leader Overlord Denton really wants to find out who wins in the Women’s 3000 metre steeplechase in the 2012 Olympics. On hearing the news of the planned invasion, the UN spokesman said “Thank goodness, frankly news will have started up again by that point and everyone is just fed up with this whole awful mess and the vale of tears that our planet has become. We will be tying up Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum so nobody can interfere with the plans of our new alien masters”.
