Are you ready? Put your gimp back in his cage because it’s TIME FOR SOME MUTHERFUCKIN DEBATIN!
The Republicans are holding their first debate tonight at 8 p.m. It’s going to be held in the most freedom-loving corner of America: New Hampshire.
New Hampshire is a magical place, where the people are free to hold massive sex orgies with leprechauns under the Old Man of the Mountain (R.I.P.) wiccan rock formation. They’re also America’s smartest rubes, and therefore should obviously be given much more say-so when it comes to time to pick out which Republican loser will get to lose to Obama. One New Hampshire voter is worth at least 19 Californians when it comes to influencing the national debate. And rightfully so, fuckos.
7:10
So here’s tonight’s lineup of serial-wife-cheaters, pizza slingers, GILFs and neologisms-for-bodily-fluids. In case you weren’t quite sure, this is quite possibly the most crazy people who’ve ever debated anything ever.
7:53
John King is hosting this shit-show. John King is so dry, he makes Tim Fucking Pawlenty seem exciting.
7:54
The shitshow is going down at St. Anselm College in New Hampshire. St. Anselm was a 12th century archbishop who came up with a really shitty argument for the existence of God. This seems apropos somehow.
7:59
David Gergen just said Jeb Bush “wants to run in 2016.” He said this with absolutely no mention that this is basically an outright prediction within the Republican Party (or at least the Bush family) that the GOP has no chance of winning in 2012.
8:03
It’s Bachmann time! She looks like she plastered on her makeup with a Wagner spray painter. Rawr.
8:05
Ron Paul just HAS to mention all the babies he’s delivered. Ron Paul will not leave your vagina alone. Ever.
8:06
They’re letting an old white guy named Marquez ask a question, because he’s from New Hampshire and may have once been a member of Buena Vista Social Club. New Hampshire is obviously our most diverse state and not at all pasty white refuge for swamp yankees.
8:08
Pawlenty just called Obama a “declinist.” TAKE THAT NOBAMA. Oh, also we need to “fix regulation.” That is definitely a good idea and not at all a vague platitude.
8:10
John King keeps trying to bring the candidates back from Crazyville but none of them are listening to him.
8:12
Bachmann just told us she formally filed paperwork to be the next queen president of the United States. Get ready for 9 more months of crazy eyes.
8:14
Ron Paul just name-checked Keynes. Keynes was a raging dickhole who wanted to steal yer moneys.
8:15
Where did they find these New Hampshireites? They look like zombies.
8:16
Bachmann just claimed that “Obamacare will kill 800,000 jobs.” Whatever Cougartown says must be true.
8:18
Yeah yeah, you all hate taxes and Obamacare. Can’t someone talk about interesting topics like Fiat money or the Angel Moroni?
8:19
John King keeps referring to Pumpkinhead Serial Philaderer Newty as “Mr. Speaker.” How fucking long has it been since that guy was speaker of the house?
8:20
John King just asked Santorum if he’s “concerned about the influence of the Tea Party.” Tough questions tonight!
8:22
Cougartown just told us the Tea Party wants to “take America back.” Hey minority welfare faggots (aka all Democrats), you’re on notice!
8:25
Herman “Little Caesar” Cain (who it should be noted, could not even win a fucking Republican primary in his own state) just criticized Obama for doing what’s politically expendient instead of what’s right. Yeah, everyone LOVED the bailouts and the GM restructuring and the intervention in Libya. Why does he continue only doing what’s popular?
8:26
Ron Paul is talking about currency again. Literally every single fucking problem in America can be traced back to our Fiat currency. Stop pegging our currency to poorly-made Italian automobiles, NOBAMA!
8:27
Tim Pawlenty just told us he grew up in a “meatpacking town.”
8:29
Bachmann wants to repeal the EPA. Fuck yeah. What could go wrong? It’s not like the EPA prevented the Gulf oil spill, bitches.
8:30
Santorum wants to cut all taxes on manufacturing companies. He wants to wealth to “really trickle down.” Santorum likes the trickling down.
8:31
Pumpkin Head the Serial Philanderer just temporarily tucked his tiny flacid dick back in his slacks long enough to call for the end to the National Labor Relations Board. We should really just **DRINK** every time a Republican calls for some government agency to be abolished.
8:34
John King is asking some WILD AND CRAZY questions. Trickle Down Santorum just got asked whether he watches “Leno… or Conan.” TDS said neither. We can only assume it’s because ManHunt 7 is on pay per view at that hour.
8:38
Mittens just claimed that the auto bailout was a failure and then just explained that he would have done things in exactly the same way Obama did in a totally different way. I need booze. ARRRGH. I want to reach into my TV and strangle that fucking slimy Moroni worshipper right now. He’s claiming that GM didn’t reduce their costs. I hope I can make it through this clown show.
8:44
Pumpkinhead Serial Philanderer just said NASA is “a case study in how the government can’t innovate.” Pssssh. I know, right. When have those NASA fucks ever come up with shit other than Tang and Tom Hanks?
8:45
Trickle Down Santorum just said he DOESN’T want to end the space program. Who let this guy in? Go back to France, you commie existentialist public intellectual furriner.
8:48
John King just asked Ron Paul what he’d cut. There is now smoke coming out of his ears and he’s ranting about the Federal Reserve. Stop trolling Ron Paul, John King.
8:49
Herman “Soul Pizza” Cain just affirmed his support for government food safety inspections. This gives me absolutely no much faith in Godfather’s Pizza.
8:50
DRINK. Mittens just said we shouldn’t even be talking about what departments we’re going to cut. We should be talking about what we’re going to “keep.” So basically we should burn down 200 years of national progress and start over. He’s a man of ideas.
8:53
Ron Paul wants pay for yer Medicare by cutting all that foreign aid. You know, like half a fucking percent of the budget that we use to prop up various Middle Eastern despot assholes. Also, we should be able to opt out of Medicare. Definitely.
8:57
Pumpkinhead Serial Philanderer wants to “stop paying the crooks.” I think he’s referring to like shady doctors who commit Medicare fraud. I’m not totally sure, but I support it, whatever it is.
9:00
SOUL PIZZA. I LOVE YOUR SMOOTH STYLE. We can’t be lettin the Democrats throw children in wheelchairs off balconies. Definitely not. That is definitely what I think will happen if you give health insurance to poor people.
9:01
Soul Pizza just made a reference to “the small country of Chil-ay.” I love this guy.
9:02
Mittens just said President Obama hasn’t produced any ideas on ways to reduce the government’s debt/deficit. Right, health care reform had NOTHING to do with reducing long term costs. The gulf between reality and the Republican Party is mind-blowing. I mean, in this world what can you say to refute these people?
9:04
Here comes Cougartown! Let’s take the crazy up to 11. She wouldn’t raise the debt ceiling. Right.
9:06
Pawlenty starts babbling. Blah blah blah. I know for a fact that Trickle Down and Cougartown and Pumpkinhead the Serial Philanderer want to turn to him and just start yelling SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH. AND GET ME A BEER.
9:07
Trickle Down is talking about James Madison and how tolerant he is of all these atheist fucks in the public square.
9:09
Soul Pizza is asked if he really, really hates teh Muzlins. Hell yeah he hates them! He hates shariah in the American courts, which we all know is a MAJOR PROBLEM. I’m fairly sure Anthony Kennedy is going to Mecca this summer to slaughter a goat for Allah.
9:10
Mittens just says “of course we’re not going to have Shariah” law in the U.S. courts. Obviously he doesn’t respect Soul Pizza or EVERY PARANOID WHITE PREPUBLICAN EVER.
9:12
The Serial Philanderer just made a profound point that we should “stand up and say NO” to terrorism. Thank you John King for getting this much insight out of the candidates.
9:13
OHMIGOD OHMIGOD. John King just asked Soul Pizza whether he prefers “deep dish or thin crust.” Soul Pizza pulled out his Barry White swag and answered him. It’s all been worth it now.
9:17
Mittens just gave us a sports score update (Bruins up 4-0). That’s the kind of pandering that’ll get you elected!
9:18
Finally a good question for Cougartown: Should states let gays marry (No, obviously) and how does that swim with the whole States Rights thing?
Wait. Her answer was that she took in 23 foster children. Which totally answers a question about standing up for States Rights when you don’t agree with something. Also… holy fuck has anybody checked on those kids in a while? I’m worried.
9:20
Ron Paul wants to get government completely out of marriage licensing. DRINK.
Pumpkinhead Serial Philanderer says he supports the Defense of Marriage. What the what.
9:21
Soul Pizza just started his answer with “If I had my druthers…” Oh Soul Pizza. Never leave us.
9:22
Mittens would “keep DADT in place until after the conflicts.” Which will be absolutely never. I think Syria is due for an invasion. We should probably look into that…
9:23
Trickle Down says the military should “punish bad behavior.” So gayness = bad behavior. Something tells me Trickle Down has been spending a lot of time in the confessional booth lately.
9:25
Cougartown says rights can only come from God. Duh. Everyone knows that.
9:27
An old white lady from what sounds like some Eastern European pollution zone is now complaining about the illegal immigrants. Oh fuck you, mole lady. Go back to whatever ghoulash-eating shithole you came from.
9:29
Ron Paul just defended the Catholic Church for helping illegal immigrants. Does he know this is a Republican debate?
9:30
Soul Pizza wants the states to round up millions of illegal immigrants. I’m sure no illegal immigrants ever bused tables or washed dishes in his restaurants.
9:32
T-Paw is a total nerd and is probably going to be shoved in a locker afterward by Soul Pizza and Trickle Down while Cougartown cackles with delight.
9:33
CNN gets in close to Pumpkinhead Serial Philanderer’s enormous disgusting jowls. I still refuse to believe that multiple women have actually fucked this bucket of evil goo.
9:34
Wait. PHSP just said that kicking 20 million people out of the country was inhumane and impractical. That’s a reasonable statement. DRINK!
9:35
Ron “Pussy Doctor” Paul just said “we don’t own our land, we just pay rent on our land.” I believe this is related to some bizarre Paultard theory involving the Nafta Superhighway and sex with Reptilian. GrandInquisitor can probably explain it in way too much detail.
9:37
John King’s thing where he gets all up in each candidate’s grill with a SUPER PERSONAL question is just impossibly sad and lame. T-Paw just had to answer Pepsi vs. Coke. I’m fairly sure I haven’t asked someone that question since I was in the 4th grade and my friend Ben and I decided that anyone who liked Pepsi was stupid.
9:43
Mittens wants the troops to come from Afghanistan… when the generals say it’s time. Which is never. Welcome to Republican Foreign Policy 101.
9:44
Pussy Doctor is making sense. “I’m the commander in chief, I tell the generals what to do, not the other way around.” Oh wait, now he says we should never intervene in any conflict ever basically. So Ron Paul would have sat back and let Milosevic ethnically cleanse Bosnia. Good to know.
Just so you know, there literally is no gray area in Republican Land Crazy Town. No war should ever end… unless you’re Pussy Doctor. Then no war should be fought unless the Redcoats invade Bunker Hill again, or something. Fuck we are doomed.
9:46
Cougartown is taking shots at the Libya policy by saying we’re “leading from behind.” If you think about it, leading from behind is pretty goddamn awesome. We dont’ risk our own asses… but we’re still in fucking charge! We should ALWAYS lead from behind, whenever possible.
9:48
Soul Pizza explains his foreign policy: “Is is in the vital interests of the United States?” You just ask that question and then the answer becomes obvious. Kind of like building a pizza. Is it in the vital interest of a pizza to have cheese and delicious pepperoni on top? FUCK AND YES.
9:50
Some New Hampshire warlock gets up and asks about American’s 900 overseas military bases. This should be right up the Pussy Doctor’s alley, but he STILL looks all grinchy and whatnot. Is Pussy Doctor ever happy except when inspecting uteruses/talking about Fiat money? NO.
9:55
The Losers just got asked why Americans overwhelmingly hate them. Soul Pizza is breaking it down. Soul Pizza says that the American people are going to find out, somewhere down the road, that this isn’t actually just a bunch of has-beens and internet crazies.
9:57
The CNN camera panned over the crowd. It makes me want to vomit that we’re allowing New Hampshire voters any say whatsoever in anything important.
9:59
They’re all kissing the ass of New Hampshire voters right now. Did you know that if you live in New Hampshire, you’re so special you can actually kill up to three hobos per year?
10:00
That’s it! We’re done. Hopefully you’re not currently sitting in a puddle of vomit and poodle tears right now. That’s what you get for being a bunch of arugala-eating, latte-sipping, book-reading, Volvo-driving, baby-murdering French surrender monkeys.
