So! In the Lazy Girl’s Guide to Being Pretty, we discussed how you can look hot without moving too much or putting on pants without elastic waistbands. Because we’re lazy. Now, we’re going to tackle something everyone, but especially lazy people, absolutely dread: moving.
I’ve moved at least ten times in ten years. God, it could even be more; I’m too lazy to count. Some of these moves have been cross-country; some have been cross-city. It doesn’t really matter– it’s all a hell of sweat, swearing, and lifting or carrying heavy things. I have, however, discovered along the way, a few tips to help you move, and a few more tips to help those of us who keep getting evicted having to relocate.
1) Be Buddhist.
Material posessions and all that: do they fulfill you, man? Meta discussions aside, how much stuff do you really need? Do you need a “mattress” or will an air mattress with a hole that you pump up nightly suffice (TRUE STORY). Because you can just throw that out when you move. Do you “love lamps, or can you just read by the bathroom light?
These are crazy hobo examples, but, in all honesty, depending on how permanent your living situation is, you don’t need a ton of stuff. Moving is a great time to think critically about all the crap you’ve amassed. If it’s broken, it cost ten bucks, or you want to get something more expensive/nicer, just toss it now. Don’t hold on to all that stuff you’re going to “refinish” or “paint” or “make into a human centipede.” If you haven’t done it yet, your lazy ass isn’t going to get to it.
If you’re reading this, chances are you’re not getting up early to turn your organic compost or roast your own coffee beans. You’re sure as hell never going to reupholster that chair you got from your mom ten years ago. If it’s not totally broken or decrepit, donate it if you’re feeling ambitious.
Make a basic list of things you are willing to keep. Mine is basically books, clothes I actually wear, and anything I paid more than $300 for in the last 5 years. Everything else is on a case-by-case basis.
2) Find a good dumpster.
You know what, jerks? This isn’t “The Lazy Girl’s Guide to Being Green.” I’m obligated to put in a couple plugs for donating stuff, but the boxes and bags I have marked for donation rarely make it there. But, yes, for the record: usable old clothes and furniture go to Goodwill.
You can try and call AmVets or Salvation Army locations to see if you can arrange a pickup, which would be fairly easy, but just keep in mind that these organizations will only pick up if you have several large items or three tons of clothing. So six bags of clothes require you to be proactive.
If today’s the last day of packing and moving and you still haven’t brought all that crap to Salvation Army, you’re going to need to get rid of it. Don’t kid yourself and don’t pack it thinking you’ll get to it. The next time you’ll even consider getting to it is your next move.
So, all that garbage will have to go somewhere. You are going to load up your car and cruise around for a dumpster. Warning: dumping your personal trash in a private dumpster is not legal. But if you live in a home, or an apartment complex that doesn’t have community dumpsters, you may be willing to take your chances.
I personally recommend going out early in the morning, around 4 or 5 am. It’s early enough that no one will be around the dumpster, but not so early that cops are still cruising around looking for random lawbreakers. Move fast. This is an operation best done with an accomplice.
The best places to hit are apartment complexes if you can swing it– residents will think you live there. Barring that, upscale restaurants; they’re not open 24 hrs and they’re usually a little more out-of-the-way than, say, McDonald’s.
3) Save your boxes.
“Whoa, whoa,” you say. “You’re telling me to throw everything in a dumpster but you want me to save boxes like a hoarder?” Yes. Yes, I do. And here’s why: it makes packing and moving the crap you’re not tossing ten times easier.
I learned this from an ex-boyfriend, and he was an asshole in many ways, but he did save every box he used in a move, and he saved the box any big-ticket item came in. So when it came time for him to move, he already had labeled boxes and the original packaging of some things that are unwieldy to move. And when it came time for him to kick me out of the home we shared, there were plenty of boxes RIGHT THERE! So that was nice. For him.
It seems like 20 boxes will take up a lot of room, but if you either have a storage unit in your building or a house, this is actually a huge time-saver for future moves. Also, weird things like your rotating spice rack are a lot less messy and complicated when you can just jam that thing in the original box and styrofoam. Technically, I guess this is good for the planet and stuff also.
4) That “Jersey Shore” girl was right: Trash. Bags.
Listen, if you put all of this off until the last minute and the vast majority of your wardrobe is currently and will be in the future strewn about your floor anyway, just be that girl.
Don’t go on vacation to Lyford Cay or anything with a trash bag instead of a suitcase, but, I mean, if you need to get your entire wardrobe moved, and fast, just heap it all in trashbags and sort it out later.
Also, if you’re all fancy and hang your clothes up, trash bags can be used as makeshift covers for the clothes you’re moving on hangers. You think you’re better than me, with your appropriate care of clothing an’ shit? DO YOU? You don’ know me.
4) Make moving a game.
Here’s the thing: Generally, if you can con other people into lifting and moving the heavy stuff (or all the stuff), you want to go that route. The problem is, no amount of beer and pizza in the world could convince me to move your stuff. I hate moving, and I will hate you if you try to cajole me into doing unpaid work.
But: some people love free stuff. So, all that stuff you aren’t going to keep? Some of it’s good stuff, like the 16 bottles of body lotion or the 10 skirts you can no longer fit your fat ass into. Or the sex slave, not that you or I have one.
Anyway, if you’ve put that stuff in an area to throw out, there’s a possibility that by combining the usual amount of alcohol with the promise of taking whatever you’re not packing will entice your deadbeat friends to help load your truck/car/hobo bindle. So keep your “toss” pile until absolutely necessary, and tell your assistants that “Most Valuable Mover” gets first crack at $200 dollars worth of serums that do NOT fight frizz.
5) Hire someone to pack and move your stuff.
I’ve heard talk that people perform such a service. But I make 20 grand a year, so basically, to me, that’s as possible as hiring a magical unicorn to be my personal transportation.
There you go. Good luck with that. Follow me on Twitter! Share your less hobo-centric moving tips in the comments!
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