Bette! Why’d you do it, Bette?
And why’d you leave the body in my apartment?
Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph on a Tapdancing Donkey, I’m never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER getting the bloodstains out of the Isfahan. Even Martha Stewart can’t help with this one: I asked. No, she’s a doll, she’d help if she could. Something about parole conditions and abetting a felony. GOD! Why must The Man keep her bound and gagged with red tape? They hate her because she’s a strong woman.
Bette, baby, honey, sweetie, I’m imploring you. Can’t you help me get these bloodstains out?
No, of COURSE I’m not implying that you as a persun of femininity must be relegated to dreary and unfulfilling housework: I was wondering if any of your other ghehs had a cleaning fetish.
Huh. Really? You’d think at least one…
All righty then, who do we know who has a lot of experience dealing with the indelible aftermath of ensanguined if not unsanctioned activities?
Oh.
Of course. I’ll give them a call, just as soon as I’ve stocked up on celebrity gossip to proffer as a peace offering. If you don’t hear from me in 24 hours, assume I’ve been eviscerated with designer sporks from Target and carry on.
Yes. Of course, honeybunch, you can have my Royal Doulton. Try not to sound so eager next time.
Did I say I was finished with Julian Assange? Oh baby, I haven’t even STARTED yet. Here are his delicious links (insert dirty play on words of your choice here) plus more evidence he thinks of himself as Bill the Galactic Hero. (raincoaster)
Guess the Mystery Feet! This is a former A-lister with Garbo-esque tendencies and major sex appeal. Also: you KNOW what they say about men with long toes… (Ayyyy)
Will it saber? With a massive freakin’ Kenyan Spearhead? You bet your sweet bippy it will! GI Joe meets Funnest Bartender On Earth in the latest in the beloved YouTube series starring Matt Stache. (ManoloFood)
Arianna Huffington is so trendy! She’s seen here attempting to drain a media rival of blood. Bad news, Ari: you’re thirty years too late! (Lolebrity)
Caption Obama and his new best friend. Captioning iz hard, yo! (Crasstalk)
II, Claudius. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a sequel for everything. (AgentBedhead)
Can a blogger get a Like, y’all? Vote for sleepy Bee and win eternal gratitude and possibly backlinks! (BusyBeeBlogger)
11 things you did not know about Jennifer Hudson but were obviously too afraid to ask, right? I mean, she’s pretty intimidating since the Oscar and all, eh? God, that woman terrifies me. (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Cocaine is a helluva drug. This is not a repeat from 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007… (CelebritySmack)
The Social Climber Formerly Known as Kate Middleton is not resting on her laurels. In fact, her laurels are shrinking. (CelebVIPLounge)
And the #1 thing you didn’t know about Jennifer Hudson: she was hospitalized today. (DailyStab)
Insufferable celebrity complains about insufferable celebrities who complain about people. Fuckit, I only click to Taylor Swift stories for eyeliner tips. (EarSucker)
Billboard becomes target. As Bieliebers descend upon convenience stores nationwide in hormone-crazed fugue state, actual magazine readers suffer. (FitFabCeleb)
Is your Bichon Frise a total Celine-diva? Your Rottweiler ready for prime time? Your Vizla good enough for The Voice? Yes, it’san Animal Lip Dub video contest! (HelloGiggles)
Russell Crowe is no Roundhead! Team Cavalier here! In other news, if he ever tweets his penis we’ll all be able to pick it out of a lineup more easily, so thanks for that, Russ! (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Put yourself in Shania Twain’s shoes. Literally. (HaveUHeard)
Selina Gomez is taking desperate measures to protect herself from Bieber fans. What, no “exhaustion” dearie? (HollywoodHiccups)
Ryan Reynolds is INSATIABLE! Yeah, it’s a clickbaiting headline. What, you expected more from me? (INeedMyFix)
Britney covers Madonna. No, it doesn’t mean that, you perv. Although I did think of leading with “Britney ON Madonna” as I’m all clickbaity today. (PoorBritney)
Goopy on Teh Ghehs. Because that’s ALL they need. (PopBytes)
48 sexy shots of Johnny Depp. In other news it’s Johnny Depp’s birthday, but why am I still typing? You’re not gonna read anything past that link, are you? (SwoonWorthy)
Shania Twain goes down. That’s a three-point landing the hard way. (TheSkinnyChic)
Selah.
