Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Oh what am I saying? If you can’t hear me, IT’S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, DOLLFACE!!! You’re fired.
Now peel me a grape. And get my lawyer in here. Bernie. No, the other Bernie. This Sid Korshak has to be taught a lesson: nobody pushes Cecil B. DeMille around! Now get my wheelchair. I feel like looking at the little people. I need a good laugh.
ISN’T THAT GRAPE READY YET???
No, NOT a red one. I only like the green ones. I hate Reds. While you’re running for your life to find me some green grapes, I’ll just loll here in my golden bathtub filled with tears freshly wrung from the pillows of virginal prom queens turned used-up chorines, and scrub my back with my souvenir loofah wrenched from the pinnacle of Sagrada Familia. God, I love Culture.
And baby, a semi-unfatted soy latte, half-caf. No foam. Three thirty second shots. Stirred clockwise three times by an ivory and unicorn-hair wand.
I’ll be here reading the trades.
Bonsai Kitten: all new for 2011! The world’s greatest novelty pet fad is back and better than ever! (raincoaster)
You can call him Mister Tripod: is that a handycam in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? (Ayyyy)
Hey Fidel, that’s for the Bay of Pigs! Celebrate July 4th with patrioalcoholism! (Manolofood)
Make Out, Not War! Now that is what I call a classic Vancouver response to a crisis. Stop, drop and roll…your girlfriend! (Lolebrity)
Does Green Lantern turn on the critics? You’ll have to read the review to find out, but what are the odds, eh? (Crasstalk)
Keanu Reeves: you can take the boy out of the 90?s but you can’t take the sad, emo 90?s backlash against randomly bestowed, crushing celebrity out of the boy. Apparently. (AgentBedhead)
Thanks for giving birth to he world’s most perfect baby, Natalie. Now get back to work! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Michael Lohan proves prayers do come true! In related news, Samantha Ronson is now a bus driver? (CelebDirtyLaundry)
If you don’t like the mealticket, get off the gravy train. Are we supposed to feel sorry for Paris Hilton now? (EarSucker)
A Decade in Sexiest Man Alive covers: which one is your panty-moistener of choice? (FitFabCeleb)
Celebrities in Cat’s Eye glasses. I knew Audrey Hepburn. Audrey Hepburn was a girlcrush of mine. And You, Missy, are no Audrey Hepburn. (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Kathy Griffin goes down on Bristol Palin??? What, clickbaiting again? Moi? (HaveUHeard)
Yes, all Canadians are as crazy as Jim Carrey. It’s true. It’s a FACT. So don’t even think about invading? Okay, thanks! Sorry for 1812. Really. Let’s have coffee sometime… (HollywoodHiccups)
Apparently calorie deprivation correlates to hallucination, at least according to this Kirstie Alley story. (INeedMyFix)
Ryan Reynolds shirtless sixteen times. Never let it be said I refused to pander. The things I do for you people! (Swoonworthy)
Selah.
