Sweet Valley, New York

It started when I was five, but I had no idea how long the love affair would end up lasting. I just meant to read a few, just the ones my older sister had left lying around the house, but a few turned into a bunch, which turned into a lot, and before I knew it, I had left almost no book unturned. I may have grown up in New York, but there was no doubt about it–my heart was in Sweet Valley, California.

As such, you can imagine my excitement at the announcement that Francine Pascal, the creator of the Sweet Valley series (which included Sweet Valley Kids, Sweet Valley Twins, The Unicorn Club, Sweet Valley Junior High, Sweet Valley High, Sweet Valley Senior Year, Sweet Valley University, and Elizabeth, in addition to spawning a TV series starring Brittany and Cynthia Daniel), would be releasing a new book entitled Sweet Valley Confidential: Ten Years Later. After all, I knew Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield and their friends and exes about as well as I knew my own, probably better in some respects. How could I not want to know where they ended up and who and what they were doing?

My Personal Collection

And yet, I knew from the instant I read about its impending release that I would be disappointed. Growing up, SVH and SVU were pretty much my life; how was Pascal–whose role in the series had always been kinda sketchy, considering all the books were written under obvious pen names–going to cram hundreds of Wakefield friends-and-family factoids into one book? Reading the acknowledgments only confirmed my suspicions. In them, Pascal thanks someone for “knowing everything there is to know about Sweet Valley and saving (her) from any number of memory lapses.”

Oh does she, Francine? Does she know “everything”? Orrr did she maybe just read the (absolutely hilarious and completely fabricated) SVH and SVU Wikipedia pages? Because seriously, the mistakes in Sweet Valley Confidential suggest that no one involved ever read past book #75. But don’t worry! I’m here to help! So step back, FP and FP’s little friend, and let someone who was once so absorbed by reading the newest SVH release (which, at the time, was #116: Nightmare in Death Valley) that she got locked into her local bookstore take over.

Before we get to why Sweet Valley Confidential is such a disaster, let’s get a little background. (Spoilers to follow, obviously). As its subtitle indicates, the book is a look at the lives of the Wakefield twins “ten years later.” (Ten years later than what, I’m not sure, since the books continue through the twins’ sophomore year of college but in SVC they’re only twenty-seven.) Elizabeth is now living in New York (yay!) working for some rinky-dink theater publication (boo!) and seething because Todd (you remember Todd-the boring guy she broke up with every twenty books or so) and Jessica are-surprise!-engaged. That’s right, Todd and Jessica are engaged and living in Sweet Valley, and all this went down while Todd and Elizabeth were engaged and living in Sweet Valley, so, yeah-that’s a pretty legit ouchie, unlike some of the other things that have gotten Lizzie’s panties in a twist over the years. It’s been eight months since Liz discovered that Todd and Jess were in heat love, and she hasn’t spoken to either one since, but when her grandmother’s 80th birthday party brings her back to Sweet Valley (yeah, I couldn’t believe that was the best excuse they could come up with either), Liz has to figure out how she’s going to face the couple who betrayed her.

Of course, a visit to Sweet Valley reveals what everyone else is up to now as well: Lila Fowler and Ken Matthews are now married, but separated, and getting divorced, but still sleeping together, or something? Oh, and Ken’s in the NFL. Of course. Enid Rollins is married, but slutting it up with AJ Morgan, because she can. Steven Wakefield is married to Cara Walker, except not anymore, because–surprise! He’s gay! And boning Aaron Dallas! Bruce Patman is now BFF with Elizabeth, and completely in love with her, even though she’s still boring. (Though she uses much more profanity these days). And Winston Egbert’s dead.

So! Things have been exciting! And apparently people only marry other people from Sweet Valley! Did not see that coming! Anyway, everything ends up working out well and everybody’s happy (except Winston, because he’s still dead), so hooray for Sweet Valley! But for this twenty-seven-year-old woman experiencing Sweet Valley from the other coast, a happy ending couldn’t make up for all the issues along the way. For example:

  • For whatever reason, AJ Morgan is mentioned about a zillion times throughout the book, but I’m pretty sure that FP and her expert friend had him completely confused with someone else because he wasn’t A) A bad boy by any stretch of the imagination, B) A blond (hello, ginger!), or C) introduced to Jessica until SVH #48: Slam Book Fever, which means he couldn’t have touched her boob in 7th grade.
  • On page 278, “Bruce Patman kissed her! That had never happened before. Not while she was conscious anyway, but that’s a long story.” Ahem. First of all, I assume the “not conscious” reference is to SVH #7: Dear Sister, in which Lizzie’s head is all messed up because of her motorcycle accident and she ends up hooking up with Bruce. (Fun fact: This book is where I read the word “breast” for the first time!) She wasn’t unconscious, just dumb. Second of all, excuse me, but have we forgotten SVH #102, Almost Married? Yeah, Bruce and Liz are old news.
  • Speaking of old news, was Jess and Todd getting together reallllly such of a shock, Lizzie? Because they’ve done it before. About a thousand times. Like when you were on trial for killing Sam? They hooked up. In college? They hooked up. I could’ve told you this was coming. But I probably wouldn’t have, because you’re dumb and even ten years later I still don’t like you.
  • Also on page 278? “The possibility of Elizabeth Wakefield cheating on anything or anyone was near impossible.” Oh, really? Because if I recall correctly, Elizabeth Wakefield cheated on everyone. The only difference was that she never got caught. Or, when she did, Todd just didn’t give enough of a crap.
  • You’re going to write a list of dead Sweet Valley-ites and include Suzanne Devlin, the bitch from like three books, but completely ignore Olivia Davidson, who got crushed by a refrigerator during an earthquake? I mean, I can forgive the fact that she appears in SVU #8, creepy as it is, because I’m pretty sure that was written before you killed her off, but come on.
  • The twins’ lavalieres do not have aquamarines. They do not have their initials engraved in them. They just don’t. Shut up.
  • No, Ned Wakefield will not be “walking his daughter down the aisle for the third time.” (Oh, yeah, Jessica also married and then ran out on some French guy). He didn’t walk her down the aisle the first time. He didn’t even know she married Mike McAllery until they were already en route to divorce. Save your cliches for when they make sense.
  • We’re just going to completely ignore that Enid Rollins hasn’t been Enid since she started college, huh? IT’S ALEXANDRA NOW.

And so on, and so forth. And that’s ignoring the total disrespect paid to later relationships in the series. Are we really supposed to pretend that Cara’s the only woman Steven’s loved since Tricia Martin died of leukemia, even though he got Billie (a woman, as he was not yet into manparts) pregnant and they almost got married when they were living together in college? That Bruce and Lila’s relationship was “a fling” despite the fact that they were quite in love and moved in together in college (albeit only really for SVU #17)? That it’s acceptable that Elizabeth’s relationship with Tom Watts is referred to as “brief” and basically compared to her stupid crapfest of a farce relationship with Sam Burgess? But I’ve said too much.

In short, this is not a book for Sweet Valley purists, but it doesn’t really matter. Because if you really loved Sweet Valley, you’ll read it anyway. Because you can’t not. Because Francine Pascal, for all she doesn’t know about her own creations, is still your overlord. Because Sweet Valley is like Jessica Wakefield herself; no matter how much she hurts you, you will always, always end up forgiving her.

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